Changing my life!

I decided it was time to change my life for good. Now that I am a widow I need to be there for my kids for as long as possible and therefore I chose to make a change. I had the Lap-Band procedure done on Tuesday. I was planning on doing it in December but the doctor's office called and said that the insurance came through and that they had a cancellation, so if I was interested I could be scheduled for next Tuesday. So I accepted since I kind of knew that we were being furloughed at work soon. This meant that I had to start a clear liquid diet the next day to be on for WHOLE WEEK! This SUCKED!!!! It so happened that the first day they had a salad potluck at work while I enjoyed my protein shakes and water. I also had to stop drinking caffeine and carbonation, my FAVORITE addiction Coke Zero with cherry. UGHHHH!!!! I did cheat the first night and had one since I was very sleepy at work but boy did I pay for it. The carbonation went straight to my intestines and bloated me severely. I stopped cold turkey and have had no desire to drink it since. The best thing about the clear liquid diet is that I lost 15 lbs before surgery.

Tuesday I had the surgery. I spent the night at my mom's, did not go to bed until 3 am and tossed and turned until 6 am when my mom came to get me up. So needless to say I was tired and ready for them to knock me out. I remember being taken down to surgery on the gurney and then having to slide over to the surgery table. Which is SOOOO small. It was just barely wide enough for my butt (okay it is huge but still)! Then I remember them adjusting the bottom of the table against my feet and putting my arms on these bars that you feel like being on a cross. I said the last time my arms were on theses for my c-sections they strapped me in and they said oh we will don't worry. Then I remember the anesthesiologist saying you should feel the medicine working any time now and I then felt a burning sensation. She then said take a couple of deep breaths as this air mask was coming toward my face and that is the last I remember. The next thing I know I am in recovery back on the gurney and hooked up to monitors. I was soooo groggy and just wanted to sleep but they wanted to get me up and going.

It has been 4 days now and I am still sore but only minimally now. I am on full liquids now which means clear liquids plus blended soups and sugar free pudding. I thought it would be hard but that is all I want to eat at this point. I have no idea if I have lost any weight after surgery because I have been backed up and having to deal with it now. Hopefully at my 1-week followup I will have good news about more weight loss. They say not to expect any and to just focus on adjusting to the diet and the amount of food you can eat, not the weight. They will not even adjust the band for a month.

The craziest thing that I realized (okay not crazy but probably meant to be) is that the day of surgery was the 6-month anniversary of John's death. I know that he is proud of me for making this decision and rooting me on from the other side. He is probably shocked that I have actually stopped drinking the Coke since that has been my worst habit.

Now on top of all of this I have accepted the calling of Relief Society Instructor and I am scared to death. It is only once a month, which is nice, but oh how scary!!! I know I will look back on this in years to come and laugh at myself but right now it scares me, but I know that the Lord wants me at this time and I will try my best.

Now back to relaxing and recovering.....

It has been awhile!

It has been 4 months since my life changed. A lot of things have beeen going on. I learned how much people do love our family and the support has been amazing. I am truly grateful for it. I have learned that life goes on and you cannot just stop because you lose a loved one.

I am anxiously wanting to get a place of my own but that is not going to have for at least another 6 months and it is driving me crazy. I would rent but the thought of moving twice just makes me ill. We moved 4 times while I was pregnant with Miko and I decided that the next time would be my last; here it is 5 years later and I still feel like the next move will be my last.

I have guilty feelings now with John's death. I now have money because he died and I feel guilty for it. It is hard for me to deal with this and the only thing that makes me feel not guilty is knowing that I will use the money to buy a house......eventually. I have money because I am not buying the necessary prescriptions to help him. It is so weird to go to Wal-Mart and not stop at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. The other day I went to Wal-Mart to get my prescription and told the girl that I had a new insurance. I gave her the card (it only has my name on it) and she asked if I wanted her to put it on John's account too. GREAT, they know me by sight as John's wife, I am there so often. I informed her that he passed away and she apologized and said that she did not know.

In many ways I feel that a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to worry every time the cell phone rings while I am at work. I do not have to wonder any more when will these doctors do something for him. The biggest stress is that I do not have to wonder about how to pay for everything that we need with the little money in the account.

The most wonderful thing is to watch the kids. Yes they have moments but it is like they see a picture and say I miss daddy. They do not cry, mope, or act out because of his death. I know that he spent a lot of time talking to them and telling them that this would eventually happen and that he would be watching out for them. It is so sweet to be outside at night and Miko will look up in the sky and say "there's daddy's star!" It is always the first one she sees. I have noticed that they have put on some weight and I am not sure if it is the stress of his death or my working at night and therefore no one telling them how much they can have or not have.

Overall I am doing great. I have moments such as holidays where a hole is definitely there, or when I am watching a TV show that we watched together and not be able to talk to him about it. I still even expect him to come out of the bedroom to use the bathroom or get something to eat. I definitely have had moments when cars would not work, trailer has broken pipes, and other such things that were his responsibility and I have no clue what to do. Thankfully I have family and friends that do know and have been there to help me out.

I have had a few moments of wanting to kill him..... like going through stuff and finding things that I REALLY should NOT have found (luckily they were in boxes in the garage therefore not being used for at least 5 years).

I have even had some WOW moments, like findings his missionary journal, finding an email he wrote to a friend that he lovingly talked about me and how much I was his perfect match. You know after being married for 10 years it is still nice to see proof that he loved me and that he was willing to tell a friend made it even more special for me. This may sound weird but I was shocked to find a gun bag we had purchased the day before his death, already filled up ready to go shooting. I had thought that he has missed out on using it and to find it filled made me feel better that he actually did get to "use it."

The worst part I have to say is to plan the funeral. It was the moment that felt so final. I was no longer in a dream but living in reality. Having to pick out the casket, vault, headstone (which I did later), place of burial (which my mom generously donated to us) and the program. It turned out to be a wonderful funeral and I am so greatful for his friends being willing to share stories about John during the funeral, we were laughing and crying, but mostly laughing. All I can say is to those that are married be the first to go so that you do not have to go through all of this.

Another thing that has been hard is going through his things. To me going through his clothes has been easy, 1 for me, 1 for DI (nice that we were about the same size). But going through his computer stuff and trying to decide what to do sell or just donate, and what is still good and not, and where all of his stuff is, this room, that room, this closet, that area in the garage, oh and that spot too! I have been putting off a lot of it but know that I need to before I move because I am NOT hauling all of it to my house just to store there.

Life just goes on. I have been working for the IRS but have been furloughed for the last few weeks and probably for another month (hopefully not that long). I have been home with the kids and have enjoyed it but my procrastination has gotten the best of me. I kept saying once I am furloughed I will get things cleaned up and organized......hahahahaha, still a mess but I did clean up the kitchen for a family party the other day. Now I just need to get off my butt and away from the computer so that I can get some more work done.

Thank you to all for your love and support, it is greatly appreciated!

Blessings to Remember

On Sunday, March 21, 2010, I lost my dear sweet husband to chronic pancreatitis complications. I have to say that I am sad but not as much as one would expect. I believe the Lord has provided me with the strength to go on. He also provided me with time to get used to the idea of John's death.

On Sunday morning I was busily getting the kids and I ready for church when John woke up and was very sick (not unusual in our house) and throwing up. I had to help him back to the bed and helped him get his meds for the morning, even had to check his blood sugar and administer his insulin. He had to take an anti-nausea med that usually knocks him out for about 4 to 5 hours so I said that I would just go to church. He had me keep the oldest home just in case he needed some help. So off I go to church, enjoy my meetings, and return home to find him snoring away in bed.

I asked Evanslee how he did and she said that he slept the whole time. I then got the kids' lunch ready and had lunch myself. I heard John get up and go to the bathroom between 1 and 1:30, and then went back to bed. Again this is pretty much normal in our house. Then around 5 p.m. I was getting dinner ready to go on the table and asked Caddis to go ask Dad if he was eating dinner with us. He came back and said that Dad did not answer him. Again, nothing out of the ordinary since Caddis just lightly taps you when he wants you to wake up and if John is medicated it takes a little more to wake him. So I asked Evanslee to go ask him. She came back and said that he would not wake up. So begrudgingly I went in to wake him up. I shook him and called his name and he did not respond. I then all of a sudden had a sickening feeling that things were not right. I then noticed that he was cold to the touch and his face was white. I immediately told Evanslee to get me the phone. She grabbed the cell and I told her to go get the house phone. I then yelled for Alice to come. I called 911 and told them that he was not breathing. She asked me if I would be able to perform CPR. I said sure and she said that I had to get him off the bed. I wanted to laugh, instead I said that he weighs over 300 lbs there is no way I can get him off the bed to do that. She then wanted me to try to do it on the bed but he was laying from corner to corner and I could not move him into a good position. I then realized that his face was white and purple, he was definitely gone.....just then the police officer came in and radioed that he was "ECHO." I assumed that it meant he was dead. The EMS showed up and they also confirmed it. They then had me leave the room and wanted me to give a statement. I told the officer what had happened. This was when everything started to really sink in for me. Somehow, somewhere Alice had the sense to call the bishop, our neighbor (her old bishop), and I believe the bishop called our home teachers who all showed up at about the same time. I was upstairs explaining to the kids that their dad was gone. Miko did not seem to understand, but Evanslee and Caddis were crying. Our home teacher gave a special prayer, we all knelt down and as soon as we all said Amen, Miko broke down and sobbed her little heart out. It just about killed me to hold her and listen to her sobbing.

The next thing I know we have family showing up and even some of the ward members coming over. I have never felt so much love as I have this week from family and friends and I appreciate it so much and realize what a blessing it is, too bad it has to be something so tragic for me to realize this.

I had a hard time the next day trying to make the funeral arrangements, everything became so final. But what a blessing it was that his parents had obtained a life insurance policy on him when he was young and now I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay for his funeral, all is taken care of.

The next worst decision was planning his funeral program. I wanted to have his "brothers" friends speak but there are at least 8 and I did not know how to fit them all in. In the end I had the Morrill brothers and the Evans brothers (including BIL Tucker) talk. I had them each take a few minutes and give a memory of John. I skipped on a musical number and it ended up being just right. Also just a few days before the funeral I came across a note he had on facebook thanks to his niece, that sums up the last 10 years of his life, and it was the perfect eulogy in his own words. I had the Evans brothers' father read this instead of a eulogy and it was perfect.

As we were walking into the funeral following the casket, my oldest Evanslee took the lead behind the casket and I had a hard time seeing her be so brave. Then after the funeral when we followed the casket out Caddis took the lead with his hands in his pockets and I just wanted to die, there was my little man, now the big man in the house, following his dad's casket. After they put the casket in the hearse he broke down and cried and his cousin Brandon picked him up and held him while he cried. I believe losing John is hard but watching my kids go through this hell is the worst. But now they are amazing, they get sad some moments but overall are doing good. He really prepared them for this time.

I am blessed that we were able to go to Ireland and he was able to return and enjoy it so much. He was constantly telling people there that he never thought that he would get back to Ireland when he was the poorest in his life, but oh how grateful I am that we did. I will cherish those memories forever.

I also have been blessed to spend the last 11 years of my life with John. He has been such a great example to me. It has been rough but I do not think that I would trade it for anything else. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have learned to open my heart, live life to the fullest because you never know when the last day will be, and always try to direct your life in the way that you should be going even if you stray off course you can always find your way back. I have also learned that I can do it, even if the road seems difficult, if I keep the Lord on my side I will get there.

I am so blessed to have been loved by him and he has left me with the 3 best blessings ever, Our Children. Now I have to live my life so that he will be proud and I can return to be with him forever.

For those that read this remember to say I love you often, you just never know when the last chance will be. I love you all!

Call me CRAZY AND INSANE!!

So for the past month I have been working double duty, okay triple duty. I have kept my full-time medical transcription job that I do out of the house, I would spend 6-1/2 to 7 hours during the day. Then I would hurry and jump in the shower and get ready to go to the IRS and put in 8 hours there. Then come home talk to the hubby and then crawl in bed for a few hours of sleep before the kids wake me up to start a new day. Then since I was not doing full 8-hour days during the week for the transcribing I would spent the entire day on Saturday working. It wore me out completely!!

I am happy to say that I have cut back my transcription job to 25 hours a week and hoping to find a permanent job at the IRS so that I can quit the transcription job. I enjoy working at the IRS and as of 2 weeks ago I transferred to the SCRIPPS area in our department and I have enjoyed it. It was a little stressful at first because you have to be so careful about your time during breaks or you could be locked out of the system. At first it was hard for me to watch the clock constantly but now I feel it is a relief to be so scheduled. The only thing I do not like is that it is a night job and therefore I miss my little family especially on Friday nights, but at least I can say that I have a job and I can provide for my family. I am so greatful for this opportunity that the Lord has given to me during our trials of John's health.

Now just waiting for the insurance to kick in so that we can get the ball rolling on John's hopeful surgery and recovery.

Now to enjoy my 1 true day off and my morning off tomorrow!

Good night all!

I got my recall number!!!

On Friday I checked the mail and there was a letter from the IRS asking if I wanted to change areas in my department. I talked to John about it and had decided that I probably would not but decided to call my friend and ask her because her friend worked that area. Turns out they did not get furloughed after training and they did not get furloughed until the end of September; also they have already been called back to work. So of course I immediately filled out the paper and went to the post office to mail it off.

Then on Saturday there was a letter with my release/recall number!!!! I have moved up the board from 235 to 214, YIPEE!!! Now just waiting for the call......call me! call me! call me!!!!!!!

IRELAND!!!

Okay, so many of you know that we have been struggling for a few years financially and with John's health. Well last May, John had an email with this amazing deal for going to Ireland for New Year's. It was 4 nights and 5 days in Dublin which included air fare from New York and 4 night stay in a hotel. He called me at work (IRS) and asked if I wanted to go. He said that we could celebrate our 10th Anniversary and such. I just could not break his heart. He served his mission in Ireland January 1987- December 1988 and has been wanting to go back. I told him to go ahead and book it as we had left over money from tax return. We also figured that we could turn in my 401K and use that money for our spending money. Well needless to say we spent that money WAY BEFORE the trip. So he booked the trip and extended the time for 2 weeks but that meant that we would have to pay for 12 nights lodging, food, etc.


Shortly after I was furloughed and no job in sight. As the time got closer and I still had not received a call back from the IRS we started thinking about cancelling the trip and losing out on the money we had already paid. We had no idea where we were going to get the money. So I just prayed that somehow we would be able to go. Well the Lord answers prayers!


John has a friend who owns a tax/accounting business and called and said that he had a big computer system project and asked if John would be willing to do it. Here was the money we were needing.

Also regarding John's health I was so scared about him getting sick while gone for 2 weeks or how we were going to go without him being hooked up to his oxygen machine. I was terrified that I would spend my vacation in the hospital.


So basically days before we left somehow (okay answer to my prayers) we had enough money to go and we went. IT WAS AMAZING!!!!

Never having been there and not really knowing a lot about Ireland except that it is a green country, leprechans, shamrocks, Blarney stone, and red hair, well that was my knowledge. I later learned about Waterford Crystal and Belleek china come from Ireland. Also that the Titanic was built in Ireland.

My mom graciously watched the kids for us. Evanslee went back home to go to school on the 2nd week that we were gone and she learned what being homesick was all about. She had Grandma Alice but without brother and sister (who stayed with Grandma Mel) she found out that she was very bored with no one here to play with.


We had a fabulous time. The plane ride over was an experience. It was kind of embarassing to have to ask for an extension and when I put it on there was only a few inches that needed to be added. When we got to New York we had a 5-hour layover but it was too expensive to go see Manhattan so we stayed in the airport. The plane to Ireland was packed with others who got the same email deal. It was a night flight and we were able to sleep on the plane (it was a 7-hour flight). That helped tremendously with jet lag. We arrived in Ireland at 9:30 in the morning their time. It was typical Irish weather of rain, but there it does not fall straight down I swear it falls sideways. The wind blew from every direction. The hardest part of the trip was that the Euro and Sterling were 1-1/2 times more than our dollar and our money went fast. The first day we took a bus from the airport to downtown Dublin where our hotel was located.


It was a lovely hotel and there were also quite a few people trying to check in at the same time, also from the same flight we had been on. We talked to a few and asked them what their plans were and most were just there for the 4 nights and heading back home.

We ended up the first day getting a bus pass that was good for the entire day on any city bus so we decided to go find the mission office. We located it, same place as his mission, John said it even looked the same inside. We talked to a couple of the missionaries who were in the office and asked where the best "chippy" or doner kabob was, they directed us to take a certain bus and marked on our map where to go.


Well we had to go back to town to catch the correct bus and as we were on the bus we were talking to an older Irishman and told him where we were headed to and he said that we were wasting our time. So we got off at the next stop and headed back to town. We did finally find a "chippy" in town and had dinner. John had fish and chips and I had chicken and chips (since I hate fish). It was lovely and I even enjoyed chips with vinegar and salt. But the one thing that I never got over in Ireland was Coke with NO ICE!!!! UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!


On New Year's Eve John became really sick and spent the entire day in bed sleeping. Needless to say I was a little bored sitting there watching TV and crocheting on my project I brought with me. We did finally go out at 10ish to get dinner and celebrate New Year's but after eating dinner it was snowing and we had no idea where the festivities were actually being held in town so we walked back to our hotel and celebrated in the room with our sodas and Guiness glasses (when I asked the receptionist where the ice machine was he gave me the weirdest look and when I said I wanted ice for my soda he told me to go to the bar and ask for a glass with ice and so they gave us Guiness glasses with ice in them).


Staying in the hotel we had complimentary full Irish breakfast. Now let me explain, you get toast, soda bread, "back bacon" which is essentially a slice of ham warmed up, eggs, "baked beans" basically pork and beans without the pork or the barbeque flavor, so essentially beans in tomato soup, sausages, and tomato slices that had been baked or grilled. They also had a selection of cold cereals, fresh fruit salads, and juices. Oh and coffee and tea. So essentially I had toast, soda bread, bacon, beans, cereal and fruit. I actually liked their baked beans better than pork and beans and wish I could figure out how to get them here. John said that you were supposed to put your toast on the plate and then put the beans over it but I chose to dunk mine in the sauce.


I also tried what I thought was some type of polenta thing and when John saw it on my plate he did not say a word but waited for me to taste it. It was a brownish yellow color about 1-1/2 diameter and about 1/4 inch thickness. I took a bite of it, it was DISGUSTING!!! John started laughing and saying that I can now say I have eaten BLOOD SAUSAGE!!! YUCK!!!


We really did not get the chance to see all that we wanted to see in Dublin do to being on a tight budget, John being sick, and just not having the strength to walk everywhere and that is exactly what they do WALK EVERYWHERE! One day I needed to go to the pharmacy to get John some medicine to fight the chest cold he had and I asked at the desk where the nearest pharmacy was and she said only just a few minutes down the road. Okay it was like 6 or 7 blocks down the road and I was exhausted by the time I got there and rushed back to the hotel. I need to live there and adopt the walk everywhere lifestyle and I will definitely lose weight.

We got to go one evening to spend the evening with the O'Farrell clan at Ben and Mary's house. John had baptized Mary O'Farrell's sister and brother-in-law. They have sinced moved to the US and arranged for us to have dinner with the O'Farrells. We had a lovely evening talking about their conversions and how it used to be to now. They also told John about different people he remembered from his mission and what they were up to. We had planned on going to church with them the last Sunday we were there but ended up being sick in bed on that Sunday.


The oddest thing about Dublin is that you do not hear a lot of Irish accents, it is more Eastern Europe and others. Where here we have a lot of Hispanics in our lower class jobs they have the Eastern Europeans for theirs so I had to go out into the country to experience the accents.


After we spent our time in Dublin we traveled up to Northern Ireland, planned on going to church in Portadown but the train did not leave Dublin until 10 and their church started at 10. By the time we got there they were just changing to Relief Society/Priesthood and we attended those classes. The weird thing for me was the RS President was actually from America and she not only was in charge, she led the music (they used a CD for the accompaniment), and she taught the lesson. The Young Women joined us because their leader was not at church. It was an enjoyable lesson and so nice to know that no matter where you go church is essentially the same. We talked to quite a few members afterwards and to the couple missionaries that were there. The couple missionaries told us that they were from Minnesota and had only been there for a couple of weeks. Their job is to reactivate the nonactive members. This particular ward was 80% inactive, so they had a busy job ahead of them. They gave us a ride to the train station and we headed to Belfast. We found a Travelodge and spent the night there. The next day we hired a taxi that gave a tour of the murals from the troubles of Ireland. It was interesting to watch John and see him be amazed at the changes in the last 20+ years. He remembers hearing bombs going off daily, seeing military presence everywhere with machine guns in hand, and being terrified of doing the wrong thing. It was hard to realize that overall it was 2 religions fighting over who was right and in the end they have settled without either being correct.


We went the next day up to Antrim, spent the night at a nice B&B, had a lovely Chinese dinner, and went on our way the next morning. We rode the train up to Portarush in the hopes of getting to Giant's Causeway but by the time we got to Portarush it was SOO COOLLLD so we stayed there and walked around the town. It was a beautiful seaside town and we took lots of pictures.

We took the next train to Derry/Londonderry (depends on where you are from) and spent the night there. We planned on staying in a hostel but when we got there and saw the conditions and then went to our room where there was nothing but a mattress on the floor, no heat, and I went to use the shared bathroom, and there was no toilet paper I wanted to scream!!! Luckily I had tissues in my pocket. John had passed out when we first went to the room and when he woke up about an hour later he asked me if I wanted to stay and I said no so we went and asked for our money back. We ended up going to a B&B (which was only a few minutes away, yeah right!) and had only barely better accommodations. We did not get breakfast the next morning because there was somebody passed out in the kitchenette that we were supposed to use (they had a party there the night before).

The next day we took a bus to Sligo, spent the evening trying to find a hotel to stay in and the next morning we got up and caught a train to Dublin. We watched the beautiful landscape go by as we rode the train. It was absolutely beautiful but snow and/or frost covered. Once we got to Dublin we then took a train back out west to Galway and spent the night at a B&B there. I got up the next morning and walked back to town to the bank. The bank did not open for another half hour so I spent time window shopping and seeing the little town. It was a lovely place and I wish we could have spent the day walking around but with John's health we got back on the train and headed to Dublin. He still had not gotten over his cold, in fact it seemed to be getting worse and I was afraid of pneumonia. Also his legs were swelling up like balloons and he needed to just find a place to stay for a few days and rest. He found a Travelodge in Dublin in an area called Ballymun and we spent our last few days there. We did go back into Dublin and spent an afternoon walking around the shopping area which included an outdoor market and bought fruit and fresh baked bread and sandwich supplies which ended up saving us as we both got sick on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday in bed. By this time I was ready to go home and get him back where I would feel that he would get better care.

I so enjoyed the peace and quiet of the vacation and did not regret leaving the kids behind. I can even say I did not miss them at all the first week out but by the second week I definitely missed my kids.

I have to say the worst part of going on vacation is the long trip back home. I swear the plane rides took longer coming home than going there and in reality we made excellent time. By the last hour of our flight to Salt Lake I was ready to have a panic attack. It was hot in the plane and the guy in front of me pushed his chair back. I am claustrophobic and the 2 together are nt a good combination. Also I was sitting in the middle between John and this nice young lady who had the window seat and it was difficult for me.

John kept saying how amazed he was that he never thought he would go back to Ireland as poor as we are and here we did it and actually enjoyed it. We did not get to the Southern part of Ireland but basically saw the rest of Ireland.

The funniest part was they were having a "BIG FREEZE!" It snowed about 1-1/2 to 2 inches total and the entire country was ready to shut down. In fact they did shut down the buses and trains on New Year's Day because there was too much ice and snow! hehehehe, seriously!

So all in all I completely enjoyed my trip and would love to go again, but the reality is that this is probably the one and only time for me and the last time for John.