It has been awhile!

It has been 4 months since my life changed. A lot of things have beeen going on. I learned how much people do love our family and the support has been amazing. I am truly grateful for it. I have learned that life goes on and you cannot just stop because you lose a loved one.

I am anxiously wanting to get a place of my own but that is not going to have for at least another 6 months and it is driving me crazy. I would rent but the thought of moving twice just makes me ill. We moved 4 times while I was pregnant with Miko and I decided that the next time would be my last; here it is 5 years later and I still feel like the next move will be my last.

I have guilty feelings now with John's death. I now have money because he died and I feel guilty for it. It is hard for me to deal with this and the only thing that makes me feel not guilty is knowing that I will use the money to buy a house......eventually. I have money because I am not buying the necessary prescriptions to help him. It is so weird to go to Wal-Mart and not stop at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. The other day I went to Wal-Mart to get my prescription and told the girl that I had a new insurance. I gave her the card (it only has my name on it) and she asked if I wanted her to put it on John's account too. GREAT, they know me by sight as John's wife, I am there so often. I informed her that he passed away and she apologized and said that she did not know.

In many ways I feel that a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to worry every time the cell phone rings while I am at work. I do not have to wonder any more when will these doctors do something for him. The biggest stress is that I do not have to wonder about how to pay for everything that we need with the little money in the account.

The most wonderful thing is to watch the kids. Yes they have moments but it is like they see a picture and say I miss daddy. They do not cry, mope, or act out because of his death. I know that he spent a lot of time talking to them and telling them that this would eventually happen and that he would be watching out for them. It is so sweet to be outside at night and Miko will look up in the sky and say "there's daddy's star!" It is always the first one she sees. I have noticed that they have put on some weight and I am not sure if it is the stress of his death or my working at night and therefore no one telling them how much they can have or not have.

Overall I am doing great. I have moments such as holidays where a hole is definitely there, or when I am watching a TV show that we watched together and not be able to talk to him about it. I still even expect him to come out of the bedroom to use the bathroom or get something to eat. I definitely have had moments when cars would not work, trailer has broken pipes, and other such things that were his responsibility and I have no clue what to do. Thankfully I have family and friends that do know and have been there to help me out.

I have had a few moments of wanting to kill him..... like going through stuff and finding things that I REALLY should NOT have found (luckily they were in boxes in the garage therefore not being used for at least 5 years).

I have even had some WOW moments, like findings his missionary journal, finding an email he wrote to a friend that he lovingly talked about me and how much I was his perfect match. You know after being married for 10 years it is still nice to see proof that he loved me and that he was willing to tell a friend made it even more special for me. This may sound weird but I was shocked to find a gun bag we had purchased the day before his death, already filled up ready to go shooting. I had thought that he has missed out on using it and to find it filled made me feel better that he actually did get to "use it."

The worst part I have to say is to plan the funeral. It was the moment that felt so final. I was no longer in a dream but living in reality. Having to pick out the casket, vault, headstone (which I did later), place of burial (which my mom generously donated to us) and the program. It turned out to be a wonderful funeral and I am so greatful for his friends being willing to share stories about John during the funeral, we were laughing and crying, but mostly laughing. All I can say is to those that are married be the first to go so that you do not have to go through all of this.

Another thing that has been hard is going through his things. To me going through his clothes has been easy, 1 for me, 1 for DI (nice that we were about the same size). But going through his computer stuff and trying to decide what to do sell or just donate, and what is still good and not, and where all of his stuff is, this room, that room, this closet, that area in the garage, oh and that spot too! I have been putting off a lot of it but know that I need to before I move because I am NOT hauling all of it to my house just to store there.

Life just goes on. I have been working for the IRS but have been furloughed for the last few weeks and probably for another month (hopefully not that long). I have been home with the kids and have enjoyed it but my procrastination has gotten the best of me. I kept saying once I am furloughed I will get things cleaned up and organized......hahahahaha, still a mess but I did clean up the kitchen for a family party the other day. Now I just need to get off my butt and away from the computer so that I can get some more work done.

Thank you to all for your love and support, it is greatly appreciated!