On Sunday, March 21, 2010, I lost my dear sweet husband to chronic pancreatitis complications. I have to say that I am sad but not as much as one would expect. I believe the Lord has provided me with the strength to go on. He also provided me with time to get used to the idea of John's death.
On Sunday morning I was busily getting the kids and I ready for church when John woke up and was very sick (not unusual in our house) and throwing up. I had to help him back to the bed and helped him get his meds for the morning, even had to check his blood sugar and administer his insulin. He had to take an anti-nausea med that usually knocks him out for about 4 to 5 hours so I said that I would just go to church. He had me keep the oldest home just in case he needed some help. So off I go to church, enjoy my meetings, and return home to find him snoring away in bed.
I asked Evanslee how he did and she said that he slept the whole time. I then got the kids' lunch ready and had lunch myself. I heard John get up and go to the bathroom between 1 and 1:30, and then went back to bed. Again this is pretty much normal in our house. Then around 5 p.m. I was getting dinner ready to go on the table and asked Caddis to go ask Dad if he was eating dinner with us. He came back and said that Dad did not answer him. Again, nothing out of the ordinary since Caddis just lightly taps you when he wants you to wake up and if John is medicated it takes a little more to wake him. So I asked Evanslee to go ask him. She came back and said that he would not wake up. So begrudgingly I went in to wake him up. I shook him and called his name and he did not respond. I then all of a sudden had a sickening feeling that things were not right. I then noticed that he was cold to the touch and his face was white. I immediately told Evanslee to get me the phone. She grabbed the cell and I told her to go get the house phone. I then yelled for Alice to come. I called 911 and told them that he was not breathing. She asked me if I would be able to perform CPR. I said sure and she said that I had to get him off the bed. I wanted to laugh, instead I said that he weighs over 300 lbs there is no way I can get him off the bed to do that. She then wanted me to try to do it on the bed but he was laying from corner to corner and I could not move him into a good position. I then realized that his face was white and purple, he was definitely gone.....just then the police officer came in and radioed that he was "ECHO." I assumed that it meant he was dead. The EMS showed up and they also confirmed it. They then had me leave the room and wanted me to give a statement. I told the officer what had happened. This was when everything started to really sink in for me. Somehow, somewhere Alice had the sense to call the bishop, our neighbor (her old bishop), and I believe the bishop called our home teachers who all showed up at about the same time. I was upstairs explaining to the kids that their dad was gone. Miko did not seem to understand, but Evanslee and Caddis were crying. Our home teacher gave a special prayer, we all knelt down and as soon as we all said Amen, Miko broke down and sobbed her little heart out. It just about killed me to hold her and listen to her sobbing.
The next thing I know we have family showing up and even some of the ward members coming over. I have never felt so much love as I have this week from family and friends and I appreciate it so much and realize what a blessing it is, too bad it has to be something so tragic for me to realize this.
I had a hard time the next day trying to make the funeral arrangements, everything became so final. But what a blessing it was that his parents had obtained a life insurance policy on him when he was young and now I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay for his funeral, all is taken care of.
The next worst decision was planning his funeral program. I wanted to have his "brothers" friends speak but there are at least 8 and I did not know how to fit them all in. In the end I had the Morrill brothers and the Evans brothers (including BIL Tucker) talk. I had them each take a few minutes and give a memory of John. I skipped on a musical number and it ended up being just right. Also just a few days before the funeral I came across a note he had on facebook thanks to his niece, that sums up the last 10 years of his life, and it was the perfect eulogy in his own words. I had the Evans brothers' father read this instead of a eulogy and it was perfect.
As we were walking into the funeral following the casket, my oldest Evanslee took the lead behind the casket and I had a hard time seeing her be so brave. Then after the funeral when we followed the casket out Caddis took the lead with his hands in his pockets and I just wanted to die, there was my little man, now the big man in the house, following his dad's casket. After they put the casket in the hearse he broke down and cried and his cousin Brandon picked him up and held him while he cried. I believe losing John is hard but watching my kids go through this hell is the worst. But now they are amazing, they get sad some moments but overall are doing good. He really prepared them for this time.
I am blessed that we were able to go to Ireland and he was able to return and enjoy it so much. He was constantly telling people there that he never thought that he would get back to Ireland when he was the poorest in his life, but oh how grateful I am that we did. I will cherish those memories forever.
I also have been blessed to spend the last 11 years of my life with John. He has been such a great example to me. It has been rough but I do not think that I would trade it for anything else. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have learned to open my heart, live life to the fullest because you never know when the last day will be, and always try to direct your life in the way that you should be going even if you stray off course you can always find your way back. I have also learned that I can do it, even if the road seems difficult, if I keep the Lord on my side I will get there.
I am so blessed to have been loved by him and he has left me with the 3 best blessings ever, Our Children. Now I have to live my life so that he will be proud and I can return to be with him forever.
For those that read this remember to say I love you often, you just never know when the last chance will be. I love you all!
On Sunday morning I was busily getting the kids and I ready for church when John woke up and was very sick (not unusual in our house) and throwing up. I had to help him back to the bed and helped him get his meds for the morning, even had to check his blood sugar and administer his insulin. He had to take an anti-nausea med that usually knocks him out for about 4 to 5 hours so I said that I would just go to church. He had me keep the oldest home just in case he needed some help. So off I go to church, enjoy my meetings, and return home to find him snoring away in bed.
I asked Evanslee how he did and she said that he slept the whole time. I then got the kids' lunch ready and had lunch myself. I heard John get up and go to the bathroom between 1 and 1:30, and then went back to bed. Again this is pretty much normal in our house. Then around 5 p.m. I was getting dinner ready to go on the table and asked Caddis to go ask Dad if he was eating dinner with us. He came back and said that Dad did not answer him. Again, nothing out of the ordinary since Caddis just lightly taps you when he wants you to wake up and if John is medicated it takes a little more to wake him. So I asked Evanslee to go ask him. She came back and said that he would not wake up. So begrudgingly I went in to wake him up. I shook him and called his name and he did not respond. I then all of a sudden had a sickening feeling that things were not right. I then noticed that he was cold to the touch and his face was white. I immediately told Evanslee to get me the phone. She grabbed the cell and I told her to go get the house phone. I then yelled for Alice to come. I called 911 and told them that he was not breathing. She asked me if I would be able to perform CPR. I said sure and she said that I had to get him off the bed. I wanted to laugh, instead I said that he weighs over 300 lbs there is no way I can get him off the bed to do that. She then wanted me to try to do it on the bed but he was laying from corner to corner and I could not move him into a good position. I then realized that his face was white and purple, he was definitely gone.....just then the police officer came in and radioed that he was "ECHO." I assumed that it meant he was dead. The EMS showed up and they also confirmed it. They then had me leave the room and wanted me to give a statement. I told the officer what had happened. This was when everything started to really sink in for me. Somehow, somewhere Alice had the sense to call the bishop, our neighbor (her old bishop), and I believe the bishop called our home teachers who all showed up at about the same time. I was upstairs explaining to the kids that their dad was gone. Miko did not seem to understand, but Evanslee and Caddis were crying. Our home teacher gave a special prayer, we all knelt down and as soon as we all said Amen, Miko broke down and sobbed her little heart out. It just about killed me to hold her and listen to her sobbing.
The next thing I know we have family showing up and even some of the ward members coming over. I have never felt so much love as I have this week from family and friends and I appreciate it so much and realize what a blessing it is, too bad it has to be something so tragic for me to realize this.
I had a hard time the next day trying to make the funeral arrangements, everything became so final. But what a blessing it was that his parents had obtained a life insurance policy on him when he was young and now I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay for his funeral, all is taken care of.
The next worst decision was planning his funeral program. I wanted to have his "brothers" friends speak but there are at least 8 and I did not know how to fit them all in. In the end I had the Morrill brothers and the Evans brothers (including BIL Tucker) talk. I had them each take a few minutes and give a memory of John. I skipped on a musical number and it ended up being just right. Also just a few days before the funeral I came across a note he had on facebook thanks to his niece, that sums up the last 10 years of his life, and it was the perfect eulogy in his own words. I had the Evans brothers' father read this instead of a eulogy and it was perfect.
As we were walking into the funeral following the casket, my oldest Evanslee took the lead behind the casket and I had a hard time seeing her be so brave. Then after the funeral when we followed the casket out Caddis took the lead with his hands in his pockets and I just wanted to die, there was my little man, now the big man in the house, following his dad's casket. After they put the casket in the hearse he broke down and cried and his cousin Brandon picked him up and held him while he cried. I believe losing John is hard but watching my kids go through this hell is the worst. But now they are amazing, they get sad some moments but overall are doing good. He really prepared them for this time.
I am blessed that we were able to go to Ireland and he was able to return and enjoy it so much. He was constantly telling people there that he never thought that he would get back to Ireland when he was the poorest in his life, but oh how grateful I am that we did. I will cherish those memories forever.
I also have been blessed to spend the last 11 years of my life with John. He has been such a great example to me. It has been rough but I do not think that I would trade it for anything else. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have learned to open my heart, live life to the fullest because you never know when the last day will be, and always try to direct your life in the way that you should be going even if you stray off course you can always find your way back. I have also learned that I can do it, even if the road seems difficult, if I keep the Lord on my side I will get there.
I am so blessed to have been loved by him and he has left me with the 3 best blessings ever, Our Children. Now I have to live my life so that he will be proud and I can return to be with him forever.
For those that read this remember to say I love you often, you just never know when the last chance will be. I love you all!
3 comments:
I'm truly sorry for your loss. Be grateful that God has given you enough strength to go on with your life. Not all women are like you and even I am not sure if I can be that strong if that happens to me.
Your post did touch me big time! It's very inspiring. May God be with you always.
Penny - I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting the story. Thank you for being a light and a strong example. I'm far, but please let me know if you or your kids need anything. Much love and prayers going your way from my heart!
Penny, you are an amazing woman, wife and mother. I am not surprised that you have had an outpouring of love. One can not help but love you when they meet you. This blog was so many things. Sad, touching, uplifting and spiritual. Again, I am so sorry that you have to go through this now, but I am glad that you have family, friends and the knowledge of being able to live with John again to help you through it. Thank you for the example that you are. Please let me know if I can do anything for you.
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