Boy how time flies!!!

It has been a year since John passed away on March 21, 2010. It has been a year of ups and downs. We are renting a house and living on our own. I was able to buy new furniture to set up our new home. It was a nice feeling to furnish the house and not be in debt afterwards. Kids started in their new school and seem to be enjoying it. My job has been going well since I have an extra skill code in ISRP so I am still working while others in the SCRIPS department have been furloughed for a month, during a time that we are usually sooooo BUSY! I was given the calling of Relief Society instructor and have loved/hated this. Hate preparing, having the nervous feeling when I start and then up enjoying teaching. I also recently purchased a new car and have enjoyed it so much. But all of these new fun things I would trade in an instant if I could have my husband back but with one condition, he came back healthy! I just have to remember that he is in a much better place and out of pain and misery, also that I will be with him again one day (hopefully not for a LONG TIME). I have had a few people ask me if I am dating again and I am just not ready for that. It would be nice to go out once in a great while but I am not ready to start a relationship and I was sick of the whole dating scene when I met John and so not ready to go back. I still wear my wedding ring and just cannot come to take it off so I am spending my time enjoying the kids, the best gifts ever that John left for me to take away a lot of the ache his loss has left me. I am also frustrated with myself with my weight loss. I feel like I am sabotaging myself because I cannot seem to lose any weight but yet I find myself sitting on my butt most nights. So I cannot blame anyone but myself for that. The worst part is that I spent a lot of money for the surgery and then I am sinking back into my old lazy ways. But now with the sun and warmth coming back I hope to get out more and be more physically active, we will see. Hopefully this next year will fly by but I will enjoy it and continue to enjoy my precious kids!!!!

JANUARY SUCKS!!!

I seem to be having a hard time in January. It has now been 10 months since John's passing and I thought it would get easier but I was WRONG!!!! This month has been a very emotional one especially the last few weeks.

Evanslee has been having trouble sleeping, nightmares, going to sleep, thinking about daddy, etc...... she spent a week in my bed due to these issues. But as expected I call the doctor's office to make an appointment and she now sleeps through the night. The doctor says it is to be expected because of her age and all the new changes this past year.

I have had a hard time with the weight loss. I expected more gone by now. I feel like I am at a plateau but when I go to get an adjustment they seem happy about my progress. I decided to take my measurements (it has been a few months) and I am happy to say that I have lost 11-1/2 inches since surgery. My pants show it, but I had a hard time believing until I saw the numbers. I just need to keep losing a pound a week any by next year I should be down significantly.

I have had a sick little one this week with a fever but no other symptoms. I kept her home from school on Monday and Tuesday but I had to go back to work on Wednesday so I took her to her grandma's. This mornining she would up at 5 am with a croupy cough and so I called in sick. I decided to relax and read a book so that she could watch HER shows. I ended up reading a book that had me crying through the whole thing!!!! Did not help my mood. Now I am hoping that she will feel better tomorrow so that I can get back to work, we will see.

I have had a new calling in church, as a Relief Society teacher and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I enjoy reading the lesson and thinking about how it applies to my life, but trying to come up with a lesson plan makes me crazy. Also presenting the lesson to a room full of women makes me crazy, I am a shy person and being in front of a crowd, UGHHH!!!! But I end up enjoying it by the end of the lesson and with the help of other's imput I learn from them.

There is only a week left and I hope that I can enjoy the rest of this month, if not, I can look forward to February.

The one good thing about this month is that we have finally received notice that they have determined that John did qualify for disability. The only problem was that he had to die for them to make that decision. He does not get the opportunity to enjoy it and I feel like receiving the money is soooo bittersweet. We filed in March 2009, they denied it, filed with a lawyer and again a denial, appealed that decision before he passed away and now after sending the death certificate they determined that he was disabled from the time of his last job, which was February 2008. I think this has been what has been bothering me the most. I am now financially stable because my husband died. I would love to give it all back if I could have him back, but with one stipulation, that he be healthy, but I know it is not to be. But he is definitely watching over us and making sure that we are taken care of.