Boy how time flies!!!

It has been a year since John passed away on March 21, 2010. It has been a year of ups and downs. We are renting a house and living on our own. I was able to buy new furniture to set up our new home. It was a nice feeling to furnish the house and not be in debt afterwards. Kids started in their new school and seem to be enjoying it. My job has been going well since I have an extra skill code in ISRP so I am still working while others in the SCRIPS department have been furloughed for a month, during a time that we are usually sooooo BUSY! I was given the calling of Relief Society instructor and have loved/hated this. Hate preparing, having the nervous feeling when I start and then up enjoying teaching. I also recently purchased a new car and have enjoyed it so much. But all of these new fun things I would trade in an instant if I could have my husband back but with one condition, he came back healthy! I just have to remember that he is in a much better place and out of pain and misery, also that I will be with him again one day (hopefully not for a LONG TIME). I have had a few people ask me if I am dating again and I am just not ready for that. It would be nice to go out once in a great while but I am not ready to start a relationship and I was sick of the whole dating scene when I met John and so not ready to go back. I still wear my wedding ring and just cannot come to take it off so I am spending my time enjoying the kids, the best gifts ever that John left for me to take away a lot of the ache his loss has left me. I am also frustrated with myself with my weight loss. I feel like I am sabotaging myself because I cannot seem to lose any weight but yet I find myself sitting on my butt most nights. So I cannot blame anyone but myself for that. The worst part is that I spent a lot of money for the surgery and then I am sinking back into my old lazy ways. But now with the sun and warmth coming back I hope to get out more and be more physically active, we will see. Hopefully this next year will fly by but I will enjoy it and continue to enjoy my precious kids!!!!

JANUARY SUCKS!!!

I seem to be having a hard time in January. It has now been 10 months since John's passing and I thought it would get easier but I was WRONG!!!! This month has been a very emotional one especially the last few weeks.

Evanslee has been having trouble sleeping, nightmares, going to sleep, thinking about daddy, etc...... she spent a week in my bed due to these issues. But as expected I call the doctor's office to make an appointment and she now sleeps through the night. The doctor says it is to be expected because of her age and all the new changes this past year.

I have had a hard time with the weight loss. I expected more gone by now. I feel like I am at a plateau but when I go to get an adjustment they seem happy about my progress. I decided to take my measurements (it has been a few months) and I am happy to say that I have lost 11-1/2 inches since surgery. My pants show it, but I had a hard time believing until I saw the numbers. I just need to keep losing a pound a week any by next year I should be down significantly.

I have had a sick little one this week with a fever but no other symptoms. I kept her home from school on Monday and Tuesday but I had to go back to work on Wednesday so I took her to her grandma's. This mornining she would up at 5 am with a croupy cough and so I called in sick. I decided to relax and read a book so that she could watch HER shows. I ended up reading a book that had me crying through the whole thing!!!! Did not help my mood. Now I am hoping that she will feel better tomorrow so that I can get back to work, we will see.

I have had a new calling in church, as a Relief Society teacher and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I enjoy reading the lesson and thinking about how it applies to my life, but trying to come up with a lesson plan makes me crazy. Also presenting the lesson to a room full of women makes me crazy, I am a shy person and being in front of a crowd, UGHHH!!!! But I end up enjoying it by the end of the lesson and with the help of other's imput I learn from them.

There is only a week left and I hope that I can enjoy the rest of this month, if not, I can look forward to February.

The one good thing about this month is that we have finally received notice that they have determined that John did qualify for disability. The only problem was that he had to die for them to make that decision. He does not get the opportunity to enjoy it and I feel like receiving the money is soooo bittersweet. We filed in March 2009, they denied it, filed with a lawyer and again a denial, appealed that decision before he passed away and now after sending the death certificate they determined that he was disabled from the time of his last job, which was February 2008. I think this has been what has been bothering me the most. I am now financially stable because my husband died. I would love to give it all back if I could have him back, but with one stipulation, that he be healthy, but I know it is not to be. But he is definitely watching over us and making sure that we are taken care of.

Changing my life!

I decided it was time to change my life for good. Now that I am a widow I need to be there for my kids for as long as possible and therefore I chose to make a change. I had the Lap-Band procedure done on Tuesday. I was planning on doing it in December but the doctor's office called and said that the insurance came through and that they had a cancellation, so if I was interested I could be scheduled for next Tuesday. So I accepted since I kind of knew that we were being furloughed at work soon. This meant that I had to start a clear liquid diet the next day to be on for WHOLE WEEK! This SUCKED!!!! It so happened that the first day they had a salad potluck at work while I enjoyed my protein shakes and water. I also had to stop drinking caffeine and carbonation, my FAVORITE addiction Coke Zero with cherry. UGHHHH!!!! I did cheat the first night and had one since I was very sleepy at work but boy did I pay for it. The carbonation went straight to my intestines and bloated me severely. I stopped cold turkey and have had no desire to drink it since. The best thing about the clear liquid diet is that I lost 15 lbs before surgery.

Tuesday I had the surgery. I spent the night at my mom's, did not go to bed until 3 am and tossed and turned until 6 am when my mom came to get me up. So needless to say I was tired and ready for them to knock me out. I remember being taken down to surgery on the gurney and then having to slide over to the surgery table. Which is SOOOO small. It was just barely wide enough for my butt (okay it is huge but still)! Then I remember them adjusting the bottom of the table against my feet and putting my arms on these bars that you feel like being on a cross. I said the last time my arms were on theses for my c-sections they strapped me in and they said oh we will don't worry. Then I remember the anesthesiologist saying you should feel the medicine working any time now and I then felt a burning sensation. She then said take a couple of deep breaths as this air mask was coming toward my face and that is the last I remember. The next thing I know I am in recovery back on the gurney and hooked up to monitors. I was soooo groggy and just wanted to sleep but they wanted to get me up and going.

It has been 4 days now and I am still sore but only minimally now. I am on full liquids now which means clear liquids plus blended soups and sugar free pudding. I thought it would be hard but that is all I want to eat at this point. I have no idea if I have lost any weight after surgery because I have been backed up and having to deal with it now. Hopefully at my 1-week followup I will have good news about more weight loss. They say not to expect any and to just focus on adjusting to the diet and the amount of food you can eat, not the weight. They will not even adjust the band for a month.

The craziest thing that I realized (okay not crazy but probably meant to be) is that the day of surgery was the 6-month anniversary of John's death. I know that he is proud of me for making this decision and rooting me on from the other side. He is probably shocked that I have actually stopped drinking the Coke since that has been my worst habit.

Now on top of all of this I have accepted the calling of Relief Society Instructor and I am scared to death. It is only once a month, which is nice, but oh how scary!!! I know I will look back on this in years to come and laugh at myself but right now it scares me, but I know that the Lord wants me at this time and I will try my best.

Now back to relaxing and recovering.....

It has been awhile!

It has been 4 months since my life changed. A lot of things have beeen going on. I learned how much people do love our family and the support has been amazing. I am truly grateful for it. I have learned that life goes on and you cannot just stop because you lose a loved one.

I am anxiously wanting to get a place of my own but that is not going to have for at least another 6 months and it is driving me crazy. I would rent but the thought of moving twice just makes me ill. We moved 4 times while I was pregnant with Miko and I decided that the next time would be my last; here it is 5 years later and I still feel like the next move will be my last.

I have guilty feelings now with John's death. I now have money because he died and I feel guilty for it. It is hard for me to deal with this and the only thing that makes me feel not guilty is knowing that I will use the money to buy a house......eventually. I have money because I am not buying the necessary prescriptions to help him. It is so weird to go to Wal-Mart and not stop at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. The other day I went to Wal-Mart to get my prescription and told the girl that I had a new insurance. I gave her the card (it only has my name on it) and she asked if I wanted her to put it on John's account too. GREAT, they know me by sight as John's wife, I am there so often. I informed her that he passed away and she apologized and said that she did not know.

In many ways I feel that a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to worry every time the cell phone rings while I am at work. I do not have to wonder any more when will these doctors do something for him. The biggest stress is that I do not have to wonder about how to pay for everything that we need with the little money in the account.

The most wonderful thing is to watch the kids. Yes they have moments but it is like they see a picture and say I miss daddy. They do not cry, mope, or act out because of his death. I know that he spent a lot of time talking to them and telling them that this would eventually happen and that he would be watching out for them. It is so sweet to be outside at night and Miko will look up in the sky and say "there's daddy's star!" It is always the first one she sees. I have noticed that they have put on some weight and I am not sure if it is the stress of his death or my working at night and therefore no one telling them how much they can have or not have.

Overall I am doing great. I have moments such as holidays where a hole is definitely there, or when I am watching a TV show that we watched together and not be able to talk to him about it. I still even expect him to come out of the bedroom to use the bathroom or get something to eat. I definitely have had moments when cars would not work, trailer has broken pipes, and other such things that were his responsibility and I have no clue what to do. Thankfully I have family and friends that do know and have been there to help me out.

I have had a few moments of wanting to kill him..... like going through stuff and finding things that I REALLY should NOT have found (luckily they were in boxes in the garage therefore not being used for at least 5 years).

I have even had some WOW moments, like findings his missionary journal, finding an email he wrote to a friend that he lovingly talked about me and how much I was his perfect match. You know after being married for 10 years it is still nice to see proof that he loved me and that he was willing to tell a friend made it even more special for me. This may sound weird but I was shocked to find a gun bag we had purchased the day before his death, already filled up ready to go shooting. I had thought that he has missed out on using it and to find it filled made me feel better that he actually did get to "use it."

The worst part I have to say is to plan the funeral. It was the moment that felt so final. I was no longer in a dream but living in reality. Having to pick out the casket, vault, headstone (which I did later), place of burial (which my mom generously donated to us) and the program. It turned out to be a wonderful funeral and I am so greatful for his friends being willing to share stories about John during the funeral, we were laughing and crying, but mostly laughing. All I can say is to those that are married be the first to go so that you do not have to go through all of this.

Another thing that has been hard is going through his things. To me going through his clothes has been easy, 1 for me, 1 for DI (nice that we were about the same size). But going through his computer stuff and trying to decide what to do sell or just donate, and what is still good and not, and where all of his stuff is, this room, that room, this closet, that area in the garage, oh and that spot too! I have been putting off a lot of it but know that I need to before I move because I am NOT hauling all of it to my house just to store there.

Life just goes on. I have been working for the IRS but have been furloughed for the last few weeks and probably for another month (hopefully not that long). I have been home with the kids and have enjoyed it but my procrastination has gotten the best of me. I kept saying once I am furloughed I will get things cleaned up and organized......hahahahaha, still a mess but I did clean up the kitchen for a family party the other day. Now I just need to get off my butt and away from the computer so that I can get some more work done.

Thank you to all for your love and support, it is greatly appreciated!

Blessings to Remember

On Sunday, March 21, 2010, I lost my dear sweet husband to chronic pancreatitis complications. I have to say that I am sad but not as much as one would expect. I believe the Lord has provided me with the strength to go on. He also provided me with time to get used to the idea of John's death.

On Sunday morning I was busily getting the kids and I ready for church when John woke up and was very sick (not unusual in our house) and throwing up. I had to help him back to the bed and helped him get his meds for the morning, even had to check his blood sugar and administer his insulin. He had to take an anti-nausea med that usually knocks him out for about 4 to 5 hours so I said that I would just go to church. He had me keep the oldest home just in case he needed some help. So off I go to church, enjoy my meetings, and return home to find him snoring away in bed.

I asked Evanslee how he did and she said that he slept the whole time. I then got the kids' lunch ready and had lunch myself. I heard John get up and go to the bathroom between 1 and 1:30, and then went back to bed. Again this is pretty much normal in our house. Then around 5 p.m. I was getting dinner ready to go on the table and asked Caddis to go ask Dad if he was eating dinner with us. He came back and said that Dad did not answer him. Again, nothing out of the ordinary since Caddis just lightly taps you when he wants you to wake up and if John is medicated it takes a little more to wake him. So I asked Evanslee to go ask him. She came back and said that he would not wake up. So begrudgingly I went in to wake him up. I shook him and called his name and he did not respond. I then all of a sudden had a sickening feeling that things were not right. I then noticed that he was cold to the touch and his face was white. I immediately told Evanslee to get me the phone. She grabbed the cell and I told her to go get the house phone. I then yelled for Alice to come. I called 911 and told them that he was not breathing. She asked me if I would be able to perform CPR. I said sure and she said that I had to get him off the bed. I wanted to laugh, instead I said that he weighs over 300 lbs there is no way I can get him off the bed to do that. She then wanted me to try to do it on the bed but he was laying from corner to corner and I could not move him into a good position. I then realized that his face was white and purple, he was definitely gone.....just then the police officer came in and radioed that he was "ECHO." I assumed that it meant he was dead. The EMS showed up and they also confirmed it. They then had me leave the room and wanted me to give a statement. I told the officer what had happened. This was when everything started to really sink in for me. Somehow, somewhere Alice had the sense to call the bishop, our neighbor (her old bishop), and I believe the bishop called our home teachers who all showed up at about the same time. I was upstairs explaining to the kids that their dad was gone. Miko did not seem to understand, but Evanslee and Caddis were crying. Our home teacher gave a special prayer, we all knelt down and as soon as we all said Amen, Miko broke down and sobbed her little heart out. It just about killed me to hold her and listen to her sobbing.

The next thing I know we have family showing up and even some of the ward members coming over. I have never felt so much love as I have this week from family and friends and I appreciate it so much and realize what a blessing it is, too bad it has to be something so tragic for me to realize this.

I had a hard time the next day trying to make the funeral arrangements, everything became so final. But what a blessing it was that his parents had obtained a life insurance policy on him when he was young and now I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay for his funeral, all is taken care of.

The next worst decision was planning his funeral program. I wanted to have his "brothers" friends speak but there are at least 8 and I did not know how to fit them all in. In the end I had the Morrill brothers and the Evans brothers (including BIL Tucker) talk. I had them each take a few minutes and give a memory of John. I skipped on a musical number and it ended up being just right. Also just a few days before the funeral I came across a note he had on facebook thanks to his niece, that sums up the last 10 years of his life, and it was the perfect eulogy in his own words. I had the Evans brothers' father read this instead of a eulogy and it was perfect.

As we were walking into the funeral following the casket, my oldest Evanslee took the lead behind the casket and I had a hard time seeing her be so brave. Then after the funeral when we followed the casket out Caddis took the lead with his hands in his pockets and I just wanted to die, there was my little man, now the big man in the house, following his dad's casket. After they put the casket in the hearse he broke down and cried and his cousin Brandon picked him up and held him while he cried. I believe losing John is hard but watching my kids go through this hell is the worst. But now they are amazing, they get sad some moments but overall are doing good. He really prepared them for this time.

I am blessed that we were able to go to Ireland and he was able to return and enjoy it so much. He was constantly telling people there that he never thought that he would get back to Ireland when he was the poorest in his life, but oh how grateful I am that we did. I will cherish those memories forever.

I also have been blessed to spend the last 11 years of my life with John. He has been such a great example to me. It has been rough but I do not think that I would trade it for anything else. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have learned to open my heart, live life to the fullest because you never know when the last day will be, and always try to direct your life in the way that you should be going even if you stray off course you can always find your way back. I have also learned that I can do it, even if the road seems difficult, if I keep the Lord on my side I will get there.

I am so blessed to have been loved by him and he has left me with the 3 best blessings ever, Our Children. Now I have to live my life so that he will be proud and I can return to be with him forever.

For those that read this remember to say I love you often, you just never know when the last chance will be. I love you all!

Call me CRAZY AND INSANE!!

So for the past month I have been working double duty, okay triple duty. I have kept my full-time medical transcription job that I do out of the house, I would spend 6-1/2 to 7 hours during the day. Then I would hurry and jump in the shower and get ready to go to the IRS and put in 8 hours there. Then come home talk to the hubby and then crawl in bed for a few hours of sleep before the kids wake me up to start a new day. Then since I was not doing full 8-hour days during the week for the transcribing I would spent the entire day on Saturday working. It wore me out completely!!

I am happy to say that I have cut back my transcription job to 25 hours a week and hoping to find a permanent job at the IRS so that I can quit the transcription job. I enjoy working at the IRS and as of 2 weeks ago I transferred to the SCRIPPS area in our department and I have enjoyed it. It was a little stressful at first because you have to be so careful about your time during breaks or you could be locked out of the system. At first it was hard for me to watch the clock constantly but now I feel it is a relief to be so scheduled. The only thing I do not like is that it is a night job and therefore I miss my little family especially on Friday nights, but at least I can say that I have a job and I can provide for my family. I am so greatful for this opportunity that the Lord has given to me during our trials of John's health.

Now just waiting for the insurance to kick in so that we can get the ball rolling on John's hopeful surgery and recovery.

Now to enjoy my 1 true day off and my morning off tomorrow!

Good night all!

I got my recall number!!!

On Friday I checked the mail and there was a letter from the IRS asking if I wanted to change areas in my department. I talked to John about it and had decided that I probably would not but decided to call my friend and ask her because her friend worked that area. Turns out they did not get furloughed after training and they did not get furloughed until the end of September; also they have already been called back to work. So of course I immediately filled out the paper and went to the post office to mail it off.

Then on Saturday there was a letter with my release/recall number!!!! I have moved up the board from 235 to 214, YIPEE!!! Now just waiting for the call......call me! call me! call me!!!!!!!

IRELAND!!!

Okay, so many of you know that we have been struggling for a few years financially and with John's health. Well last May, John had an email with this amazing deal for going to Ireland for New Year's. It was 4 nights and 5 days in Dublin which included air fare from New York and 4 night stay in a hotel. He called me at work (IRS) and asked if I wanted to go. He said that we could celebrate our 10th Anniversary and such. I just could not break his heart. He served his mission in Ireland January 1987- December 1988 and has been wanting to go back. I told him to go ahead and book it as we had left over money from tax return. We also figured that we could turn in my 401K and use that money for our spending money. Well needless to say we spent that money WAY BEFORE the trip. So he booked the trip and extended the time for 2 weeks but that meant that we would have to pay for 12 nights lodging, food, etc.


Shortly after I was furloughed and no job in sight. As the time got closer and I still had not received a call back from the IRS we started thinking about cancelling the trip and losing out on the money we had already paid. We had no idea where we were going to get the money. So I just prayed that somehow we would be able to go. Well the Lord answers prayers!


John has a friend who owns a tax/accounting business and called and said that he had a big computer system project and asked if John would be willing to do it. Here was the money we were needing.

Also regarding John's health I was so scared about him getting sick while gone for 2 weeks or how we were going to go without him being hooked up to his oxygen machine. I was terrified that I would spend my vacation in the hospital.


So basically days before we left somehow (okay answer to my prayers) we had enough money to go and we went. IT WAS AMAZING!!!!

Never having been there and not really knowing a lot about Ireland except that it is a green country, leprechans, shamrocks, Blarney stone, and red hair, well that was my knowledge. I later learned about Waterford Crystal and Belleek china come from Ireland. Also that the Titanic was built in Ireland.

My mom graciously watched the kids for us. Evanslee went back home to go to school on the 2nd week that we were gone and she learned what being homesick was all about. She had Grandma Alice but without brother and sister (who stayed with Grandma Mel) she found out that she was very bored with no one here to play with.


We had a fabulous time. The plane ride over was an experience. It was kind of embarassing to have to ask for an extension and when I put it on there was only a few inches that needed to be added. When we got to New York we had a 5-hour layover but it was too expensive to go see Manhattan so we stayed in the airport. The plane to Ireland was packed with others who got the same email deal. It was a night flight and we were able to sleep on the plane (it was a 7-hour flight). That helped tremendously with jet lag. We arrived in Ireland at 9:30 in the morning their time. It was typical Irish weather of rain, but there it does not fall straight down I swear it falls sideways. The wind blew from every direction. The hardest part of the trip was that the Euro and Sterling were 1-1/2 times more than our dollar and our money went fast. The first day we took a bus from the airport to downtown Dublin where our hotel was located.


It was a lovely hotel and there were also quite a few people trying to check in at the same time, also from the same flight we had been on. We talked to a few and asked them what their plans were and most were just there for the 4 nights and heading back home.

We ended up the first day getting a bus pass that was good for the entire day on any city bus so we decided to go find the mission office. We located it, same place as his mission, John said it even looked the same inside. We talked to a couple of the missionaries who were in the office and asked where the best "chippy" or doner kabob was, they directed us to take a certain bus and marked on our map where to go.


Well we had to go back to town to catch the correct bus and as we were on the bus we were talking to an older Irishman and told him where we were headed to and he said that we were wasting our time. So we got off at the next stop and headed back to town. We did finally find a "chippy" in town and had dinner. John had fish and chips and I had chicken and chips (since I hate fish). It was lovely and I even enjoyed chips with vinegar and salt. But the one thing that I never got over in Ireland was Coke with NO ICE!!!! UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!


On New Year's Eve John became really sick and spent the entire day in bed sleeping. Needless to say I was a little bored sitting there watching TV and crocheting on my project I brought with me. We did finally go out at 10ish to get dinner and celebrate New Year's but after eating dinner it was snowing and we had no idea where the festivities were actually being held in town so we walked back to our hotel and celebrated in the room with our sodas and Guiness glasses (when I asked the receptionist where the ice machine was he gave me the weirdest look and when I said I wanted ice for my soda he told me to go to the bar and ask for a glass with ice and so they gave us Guiness glasses with ice in them).


Staying in the hotel we had complimentary full Irish breakfast. Now let me explain, you get toast, soda bread, "back bacon" which is essentially a slice of ham warmed up, eggs, "baked beans" basically pork and beans without the pork or the barbeque flavor, so essentially beans in tomato soup, sausages, and tomato slices that had been baked or grilled. They also had a selection of cold cereals, fresh fruit salads, and juices. Oh and coffee and tea. So essentially I had toast, soda bread, bacon, beans, cereal and fruit. I actually liked their baked beans better than pork and beans and wish I could figure out how to get them here. John said that you were supposed to put your toast on the plate and then put the beans over it but I chose to dunk mine in the sauce.


I also tried what I thought was some type of polenta thing and when John saw it on my plate he did not say a word but waited for me to taste it. It was a brownish yellow color about 1-1/2 diameter and about 1/4 inch thickness. I took a bite of it, it was DISGUSTING!!! John started laughing and saying that I can now say I have eaten BLOOD SAUSAGE!!! YUCK!!!


We really did not get the chance to see all that we wanted to see in Dublin do to being on a tight budget, John being sick, and just not having the strength to walk everywhere and that is exactly what they do WALK EVERYWHERE! One day I needed to go to the pharmacy to get John some medicine to fight the chest cold he had and I asked at the desk where the nearest pharmacy was and she said only just a few minutes down the road. Okay it was like 6 or 7 blocks down the road and I was exhausted by the time I got there and rushed back to the hotel. I need to live there and adopt the walk everywhere lifestyle and I will definitely lose weight.

We got to go one evening to spend the evening with the O'Farrell clan at Ben and Mary's house. John had baptized Mary O'Farrell's sister and brother-in-law. They have sinced moved to the US and arranged for us to have dinner with the O'Farrells. We had a lovely evening talking about their conversions and how it used to be to now. They also told John about different people he remembered from his mission and what they were up to. We had planned on going to church with them the last Sunday we were there but ended up being sick in bed on that Sunday.


The oddest thing about Dublin is that you do not hear a lot of Irish accents, it is more Eastern Europe and others. Where here we have a lot of Hispanics in our lower class jobs they have the Eastern Europeans for theirs so I had to go out into the country to experience the accents.


After we spent our time in Dublin we traveled up to Northern Ireland, planned on going to church in Portadown but the train did not leave Dublin until 10 and their church started at 10. By the time we got there they were just changing to Relief Society/Priesthood and we attended those classes. The weird thing for me was the RS President was actually from America and she not only was in charge, she led the music (they used a CD for the accompaniment), and she taught the lesson. The Young Women joined us because their leader was not at church. It was an enjoyable lesson and so nice to know that no matter where you go church is essentially the same. We talked to quite a few members afterwards and to the couple missionaries that were there. The couple missionaries told us that they were from Minnesota and had only been there for a couple of weeks. Their job is to reactivate the nonactive members. This particular ward was 80% inactive, so they had a busy job ahead of them. They gave us a ride to the train station and we headed to Belfast. We found a Travelodge and spent the night there. The next day we hired a taxi that gave a tour of the murals from the troubles of Ireland. It was interesting to watch John and see him be amazed at the changes in the last 20+ years. He remembers hearing bombs going off daily, seeing military presence everywhere with machine guns in hand, and being terrified of doing the wrong thing. It was hard to realize that overall it was 2 religions fighting over who was right and in the end they have settled without either being correct.


We went the next day up to Antrim, spent the night at a nice B&B, had a lovely Chinese dinner, and went on our way the next morning. We rode the train up to Portarush in the hopes of getting to Giant's Causeway but by the time we got to Portarush it was SOO COOLLLD so we stayed there and walked around the town. It was a beautiful seaside town and we took lots of pictures.

We took the next train to Derry/Londonderry (depends on where you are from) and spent the night there. We planned on staying in a hostel but when we got there and saw the conditions and then went to our room where there was nothing but a mattress on the floor, no heat, and I went to use the shared bathroom, and there was no toilet paper I wanted to scream!!! Luckily I had tissues in my pocket. John had passed out when we first went to the room and when he woke up about an hour later he asked me if I wanted to stay and I said no so we went and asked for our money back. We ended up going to a B&B (which was only a few minutes away, yeah right!) and had only barely better accommodations. We did not get breakfast the next morning because there was somebody passed out in the kitchenette that we were supposed to use (they had a party there the night before).

The next day we took a bus to Sligo, spent the evening trying to find a hotel to stay in and the next morning we got up and caught a train to Dublin. We watched the beautiful landscape go by as we rode the train. It was absolutely beautiful but snow and/or frost covered. Once we got to Dublin we then took a train back out west to Galway and spent the night at a B&B there. I got up the next morning and walked back to town to the bank. The bank did not open for another half hour so I spent time window shopping and seeing the little town. It was a lovely place and I wish we could have spent the day walking around but with John's health we got back on the train and headed to Dublin. He still had not gotten over his cold, in fact it seemed to be getting worse and I was afraid of pneumonia. Also his legs were swelling up like balloons and he needed to just find a place to stay for a few days and rest. He found a Travelodge in Dublin in an area called Ballymun and we spent our last few days there. We did go back into Dublin and spent an afternoon walking around the shopping area which included an outdoor market and bought fruit and fresh baked bread and sandwich supplies which ended up saving us as we both got sick on Saturday night and spent all day Sunday in bed. By this time I was ready to go home and get him back where I would feel that he would get better care.

I so enjoyed the peace and quiet of the vacation and did not regret leaving the kids behind. I can even say I did not miss them at all the first week out but by the second week I definitely missed my kids.

I have to say the worst part of going on vacation is the long trip back home. I swear the plane rides took longer coming home than going there and in reality we made excellent time. By the last hour of our flight to Salt Lake I was ready to have a panic attack. It was hot in the plane and the guy in front of me pushed his chair back. I am claustrophobic and the 2 together are nt a good combination. Also I was sitting in the middle between John and this nice young lady who had the window seat and it was difficult for me.

John kept saying how amazed he was that he never thought he would go back to Ireland as poor as we are and here we did it and actually enjoyed it. We did not get to the Southern part of Ireland but basically saw the rest of Ireland.

The funniest part was they were having a "BIG FREEZE!" It snowed about 1-1/2 to 2 inches total and the entire country was ready to shut down. In fact they did shut down the buses and trains on New Year's Day because there was too much ice and snow! hehehehe, seriously!

So all in all I completely enjoyed my trip and would love to go again, but the reality is that this is probably the one and only time for me and the last time for John.

Oh how they can make me laugh!!!

Okay, I think that being older and having children I am able to enjoy the naughtiness and not panic and throw a fit. This last week or 2 we have had some instances that I think years ago I would have panicked and yelled but this time I realized its just the small stuff and decided to take pictures and laugh, so enjoy!!!



This is what happens I tell Caddis to go get his pajamas on, he says he does not have any and I tell him to go look in the dryer I had just washed some that day. Next thing I hear is giggling and him yelling "Hey, I fit in here!" and more giggling. My first reaction is to yell and then my second thought is grab the camera and go find out what he is talking about and here is the result.... Got to love 'em!!!!

So for Zlee's birthday party I let the kids decorate their own cupcakes and this is the result of letting Miko my 4-year-old decorate her own.

So I say just appreciate them because one day they will be all grown up and out of the house before we know it!

Yeah, back to work is going good!

I have been working for 2 weeks now. First week of training, drove me insane but last week was good to be working on live work. I had to send all my work to QA so that they could check to make sure that I was doing it right and correct any mistakes or blanks that I could not understand. Last week was also a little hectic with the holiday weekend. My new schedule is Tuesday through Saturday and went I started working on Tuesday there was an email from my supervisor asking me why I hd not worked on Monday. I explained my schedule and she said that she needed to update my info, they still had my old schedule of Monday through Friday. Well on Thanksgiving I needed to work but was only able to get in a little less than 4 hours before the work ran out. Then on Saturday I also was only able to put in a half day before the work ran out so that bothered me because, no work, no money! Now I have started my 2nd week of real work and when I checked my email the first thing this morning there was a note that I do not need to send to QA, YEAH!!!! Now I just have to be very careful and make sure that I look things over before hitting send.

I enjoy working as a transcriptionist, it is a constant learning process but at the same time it is very hard work, because you have to sometimes translate what is being said, in fact the company is now calling the position medical language specialists, and boy is it another language; so I guess I can say that I am bilingual now, hehehehe. Also working on production sucks!!!! You have to check in and check out on their time clock, but you do not get paid by the hour, only by your production so it bothers me that I have to remember to check in and out all day long. Oh well, such is life, at least I have a job and I am able to work from home which means I do not have to pay a babysitter, which would just take all the money that I had just made. Now hopefully there will be plenty of work this week and I can keep busy.

Now if only the IRS would call......but rumor has it that it will not be until mid to end of January possibly even February, so the wait continues!

YAHOO!!!!! It's back to work for me!!!

Okay, I am still waiting for the IRS to call back but I finally got a job. I called my old job when I was furloughed in July. They would not let me come back because I had been working on clinic accounts for the past 4 years and they said that they were only hiring for acute care (hospital) accounts and I had to have been working on them within 3 years. RIDICULOUS!!!! I have been transcribing for over 16 years and most of that has been acute care. Well they said that they would keep me in mind if a clinic account position became available. I thought "yeah right, you won't be calling me back." Well I was wrong I received an email last week that they just received a new clinic account and would I still be interested. So as of next Monday I will be working as a medical transcriptionist again. They have already sent the computer equipment, with a note that I needed to set it up immediately to make sure that there was no damage during shipping. Well........

Since I have not been working at home since February, my poor old desk has been piling up with bills and junk. I had to hurry and clean it off so that I could at least set it up and test the equipment. I have my desk in our storage room and I have had the thoughts that I would clean up the storage room and get it all organized while I was furloughed, well.....I found games on facebook and became an addict and therefore the storage room is a HUGE MESS!!!! Now John is saying that we need to give the old desk (it is his dad's) to his sister who wants it and then bring my real computer desk home and set it up. Now not only do I have to clean it off to set up but now I have to clean out my stuff from the drawers and probably everything that has been left there by his dad....UGHHH!!!! But I definitely prefer my desk to his.

I have to say that I am a horrible procrastinator and that I am easily distracted and I now have the proof, I have been out of work for over 4 months and I have not accomplished a whole lot. I had great intentions but me and my procrastinating has left me with a long list of unaccomplished things.

Now for an update on my dad. He is still recovering from his surgery. The last time I talked to him he is still not able to physically move except his arms and wiggle his toes. I also think that there is some memory loss but overall he is doing okay.

Now I just had to patiently wait for Monday to come so that I can get back into the groove of working but I am so dreading the first week of training.......BORING!!!!! I need a little refresher course but I have to go through the week long torture instead. In reality it would only take a couple of days to do the training but people ask STUPID QUESTIONS, over and over and over again. So I have to sit there and bite my tongue and listen to their stupid questions and remember that I am getting paid to sit there and listen, my only salvation. I think that last 2 days I will get to do some live work and that will hopefully make it all worthwhile, we will see.

In case I don't get on before, Happy Thanksgiving to all!!!!.

My life this last month

I can't believe that it has been over a month since I last posted something. I have actually had some events happen during that time. The last time I posted it was about my dad and I am happy to say that he is actually doing better. Last week I took my mother-in-law to the doctor's office and while I was waiting for her I got a call from my stepmom saying that someone wanted to talk to me. My first thought was a doctor or nurse to talk to me about his condition (OH NO!) but instead the most wonderful sound in the world, my dad's voice!!!!! He is now off the ventilator, they have put in a smaller trach tube, and he is moving his fingers and toes. He was now talking but was only awake for about 15-20 minutes and then wearing out and falling asleep. He told me that it was scared when he collapsed and realized that he may never see us again until we die. I think that is what kept him going.

Last night my stepmom called to say that he is now eating solid foods with someone feeding him and staying up and talking all the time. They will put him in a chair so that he can sit up straight for a while but he has to be straped to the chair because he still has no control of his body. I am so greatful that he has pulled through and continue to pray that he can recover fully or almost fully but I am greatful that he is still here and he does not seem to have brain damage like they had feared.

Now also I was able to reconnect with a long time friend who I had ended the relationship years ago. We have been chatting on facebook and last weekend we went out and had a "GIRLS NIGHT OUT!" It was wonderful, went to dinner and a chick flick. I decided to go to SLC to meet her and I had my mom watch my kids. I decided to spend the night at my mom's afterwards so that we could have time to chat and not worry about getting the kids home before too late. Turns out we talked until 3 in the morning. It was great reconnecting. She kept asking me what happened, why did we stop being friends and I had to tell her it was because we were going down 2 completely different paths. We had moved out together and I was enjoying the freedom of being on my own and not worrying about rules and curfews. She was enjoying the freedom also but decided to party with her friends that were into that. She also was spending time with creeps that were taking advantage of her. I was stressing out every time she left to spend time with these "friends" and I even made myself sick worrying about her. I had to end the roommate situation for my health.

After moving out she moved back home and continued to hang out with these "friends." She became pregnant with a much younger guy (boy actually), she did not tell me until after she had given birth. They ended up marrying 2 years later and I am happy to say that they are still married 16 years later. I really felt that it would not last and they have somehow made it through and have 3 teenage girls. She has totally settled down and I see so much growth in her and in her attitude. She truly was a friend and it was so hard to end the relationship. She was someone I could talk to and she would listen and help me figure things out.

Well now I need to go get ready and take Miko to Headstart. That is also something new for me. I have 2-1/2 hours without any kids and it is so strange!!! I have a hard time having a quiet house except for the sounds of TVs, John snoring, and some movement upstairs from grandma Alice. The kids really love school and I am so proud of them, but of course I am their mom and I can say that I enjoyed going to school too!

My life this week!

So I took John to the doc for a follow-up visit. He asked what the plan was and we said that nothing was really planned. We were not able to get insurance so that we could go to the surgeon in SLC before he retired in July. He then informed us that the surgeon decided not to retire after all. Our prayers have been answered. Now I just need to get back to work and work for 2 more months to qualify for insurance.

Then we went the next day and talked to a lawyer about fighting for disability. After telling him John's situation he feels that we can win the case. We will probably be denied again but he said that that was standard practice and to then appeal to be seen by a judge. He said that it can take up to a year and a half before all is said and done but he was very hopeful that we would win. It will be nice to have that extra money but it really sucks for John to have to admit it is time for disability. It has been hard to accept for him. I told him that stay-at-home moms do not get paid by the government and he will at least be getting money to help out the family. Now the wait begins.

And last but not least....my phone rang right at dinner the other night and I saw my dad's name on the phone and thought "now what story does he want to tell me about me?" I answered the phone and it was my step-mom (she never calls me) and said that she had to take my dad to the hospital that morning. The she says and I quote "he died on the table!" I gasped, and then she says "oh they shocked him twice and he came back and then they had to put 2 stents into his heart, he is in the CCU now." I about had a fit!!! You do not tell someone He died, that was horrible. She could have said your dad had a heart attack, that would be a little easier to hear. Then she proceeded to tell me that the doctors thought that he was doing well after surgery but she said that they have not been there and that he is not doing well. She said that they thought he would be transferred to a regular room the next day. I thought about it and having had experience in the art of being the spouse of someone in the hospital, I realized that yes you know them well, but the doctors do know what they are talking about.

I was going to call her yesterday for an update but thought that she would have been at the hospital and I did not have her cell phone number. When I did remember (after John reminding me) it was 10:30 their time and I figured it would not be a good time to call her. I called the hospital and after a few run arounds I finally found out that he was still in the CCU and that the nurse was in his room at that moment and they would have him call me back when he was done. The nurse called me about half an hour later and informed me that my had had gone into respiratory failure and distress and therefore they put him on a ventilator and sedated him. GREAT, now what do I do? The nurse was very gracious and helpful and told me that I could call back during the night if I needed to and that they would take good care of my dad. It is very hard to think that my dad could die but then again he is 67, not a young man, and he has had problems with his heart for a while now. I know that he will be in a wonderful place when he does die but still it is hard to think about. He lives in Texas and it is really hard to not be able to just run to the hospital and check on him myself.

I called my step-mom this morning and talked to her. She told me about the ventilator situation and said that the medicine they used to sedate him is the same kind that killed Michael Jackson. That does not bother me because he is in the hospital under supervision in the CCU unit.

I will definitely pray for my dad and hope that all turns out well. Now I am going to SLC to spend time with my family for my nephew's birthday, YEAH!!!

10 years of being married to my love!!!

We have officially made it 10 years of being married. I had a few scares during those 10 years where I did not think that we would see this day. With John's health being poor I remember quite a few times being in the hospital with him or in the ER room with him and thinking of things like: who should I call first, what will I do now, how do to make funeral arrangements, what would like to have in his funeral service, he wants to be cremated am I ready for that, and so forth.....

Even this last week while he was in the hospital I had those thoughts and it scared me. But I also know that I have a wonderful support system that will be there when I need them, so really no worries.

We have been so blessed these past 10 years, we have 3 wonderful blessings that are healthy, well behaved most of the time, beautiful, smart, loving (okay I could go on because I am their mom) and they are definitely the joys of our lives. We have been able to get through the difficulties we have faced with our marriage still intact, our faith in Christ still strong, our dreams of eternity still intact, and still in love.

I went to a funeral of a dear childhood neighbor this morning and listened to all of the wonderful talks and memories shared about her. I sat there thinking I am sad for the family members left behind to lose their wife, mother, grandmother, etc., but having the understanding that she is in heaven it made it so much easier to handle. They only found out less than a month ago that she had leukemia stage 5 and were told that she would not being going home from the hospital, and so it was. I sat and thought about all the times I played at her house with her daughters, going on a few excursions with them, and how she was a great lady. She is someone that I have been able to look up to in the role of a working mom. She worked graveyard shift so that she could be home with her kids and be able to attend all of their school functions, and she did. But if you tried to call their house in the morning it would be off the hook and you knew that she was sleeping. If I was over there when she was sleeping you had to tip toe across the front room floor, because her bedroom was directly below and she would come upstairs and get mad if you woke her up. Now as a mom who has decided to work a night shift, I totally understand now what she was going through. I deeply respect her decision and am glad that she was an inspiration to me. She also had the opportunity to help care for her mother when she had dementia and was unable to care for herself well enough. I remember going over there many times and she was off to take care of her mom, or there would be grandma spending the day with the family and eating dinner with them. She was able to show me compassion for others and taking care of your family.

I hope and pray that one day when I look back on my life I can say that I am not ashamed of the way I lived my life and hopefully I made a difference in the life of someone else.

Now if I can just be able to get John well enough so that we can spend our 20th anniversary together.....

Why does it take an episode to make you appreciate things?

Hubby had another episode that sent us to the ER. He had been vomiting all night and morning and was not able to keep anything down. We left home at 9:30 am and did not get home until 5:30 pm. It was a very long day in the ER and we were in a room with just a curtain between the room and the next room. It was very hard to sit there and have to listen to everything going on in the next room when I just want to concentrate on my hubby. We told the doc to call our doc and let him know what was going on so that my hubby could be admitted. They called and he was off for the day and talked to one of his associates. The associate did not want to be responsible for him being admitted. We did not even make it home, and he was vomiting again. We came home and I called some neighbors to come and give him a blessing. They gave him a lovely blessing and he calmed down a little bit. He was still very nauseated and still vomiting so I called the ER and they said to come back.

When we got up there they had a 1-1/2 hour wait. UGHHH!!!!! He was admitted this time but did not get into his hospital room until 4 hours later. I did not get to bed until after 1:30 because some dork kept calling the cell phone. I would answer thinking it could be the hospital and it was some dork saying oops, wrong number!!! I was so MAD!!! Then hubby called me at 6:30 in the morning to say that he had a bad night and needed me to bring clean unders.... oh the joy.

I went and spent the morning and left at about 1 p.m. My hubby called at 4 and then again at 5 in a panic needing me to come to the hospital. By the time I got there he was panicking and the CNA told me that they had given him a combination of pain med and nausea med and he was having a bad reaction. He was not breathing well, shaking his legs like crazy, eyes dilated, and definitely out of it. It took 4 hours for the meds to wear off and he was okay (well enough) that I came home to take care of the kids and get them into bed.

I definitely can say that I love my husband and it tears me apart to see him so sick like this. I have to remember what a blessing it is to have a husband and all the blessings that God has blessed us with. I can only take my family to heaven with me and that is what keeps me going down the right road, I want to be with them when I die!

Where does the time go??

Miko had her 4th birthday this last week and it had me thinking where did the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was pregnant and miserable in the July heat and then going to the hospital to have a C-section to get her out into this world. Her birth was memorable because they had just cut me open and got her head out and she was screaming. I think she was demanding that they put her back into that nice warm place and not out in the cold operating room. She has been screaming since. She is the little princess in the family but I love her so much. It is interesting to look at my 3 children and see how different each one is but yet they come from the same parents. She is the little demanding princess yet so full of love, willing to give anyone a hug and has to have snuggle time. Now she is 4 which means next year my baby will be going to school, wow how time flies. It is still amazing to me to realize that I am a wife and a mom now. I spent so many years being single and thinking that I would never have the opportunity to be in the place in my life. Now here I am with a husband and children who have given me more love than I could have ever believed possible. I thank God every day for those blessings in my life!!

A week and a half and still surviving, well sort of!

As you can see it has been 1-1/2 weeks since my furlough, UGHH!! I finally was able to file my first unimployment claim, but the bad part is that my claim was still open from February/March when I was last furloughed and therefore I will be paid the same as then, which bites since I am making more money now, but will not count because of the claim being opened in February. I do not have to look for a job technically, but I think to survive I will have to find work. I am having a hard time trying to decide what to do. I have been applying for every job within IRS that I can but still it is a long wait and then probably will be disappointment. I have already received 2 rejections saying that I do not have the experience necessary.

For all of those moms out there that stay at home, my heart goes out to you, you are saints! It has been very hard dealing with all the bickering and fighting from the kids, it just seems to be getting on my nerves right now, can't be that I am a little down with the furlough situation, hehehe!!!

Well only 9 more weeks (or so they say, more like 6 months according to the others at work that started last year).

Furlough time has arrived!

Last night they started the furlough process. They asked for volunteers and were taking up to 40. Only 24 volunteered and so that meant that they had to start the force volunteer process. There are 322 in the department and my number at this point is 235 so I was not involved in this first one, they went to 305. There was 1 volunteer in our team and 2 forced to furlough last night. Now it is time for the worrying every night when I go to work if they will tell me it it time for my furlough. I am currently applying for all permanent jobs that I am qualified for and hopefully I will be able to get one of them and then not have to worry about it, I will keep my fingers crossed and be on my knees asking the good Lord above for help.

Furlough time is officially around the corner!

We were called into a "meeting" in the hallway and they officially gave the "5-day furlough" notice. They are right now asking for 15 volunteers to be furloughed on Friday. If they get that many (which rumor has it that there will be more than 15 willing to go) then they will not use the recall numbers. My recall number right now is 235 out of a possible 322, so I have 87 people below me that could be called out before I am. The girls in my team that were there last year said that they did not even get a warning. They showed up for work and were told that if your number is between 250 and 310 (I think that was the number) then you are furloughed, clean our your desk, leave your badge, and go home. WOW, I hope that I takes at least a few weeks before I am furloughed. The longer I stay the better we are financially speaking. I was also told that if you opened a claim for unemployment within the last year, if you have not used it all up (which I did not) then you will receive the same amount as last time until it it all used up. That will really suck because I received unemployment in March for 2 weeks and it was based on my part time job pay, YUCK!!!! Also I applied for some detail jobs, where you work for a specified amount of days in a position; the ones I applied for were a day position and a swing shift position. I was informed that they filled the positions (16 in all) with permanent employees. That really bites my ---! They know that seasonals will be leaving soon due to the season is at the end and yet they filled the positions with permanent employees so that they can add that to their resume, while the rest of us have to figure out how to survive for the next say 6 months! UGH!!!!

Well I am off to take the kids to swimming lessons!

I Like FUNDER, but not RAINGING!

This is what was said by my littlest one the other night. I wanted to laugh so hard, she just cracks me up. Her brother was all upset about the thunderstorm and we had to sit him down and explain that he would be safe inside the house and not to worry, it was just noise made by he lightening. So then we have a discussion about "funder and rainging." Evidently "rainging" is not fun because you get wet but we like to see the "lightnin" and hear the "funder." I just love my kids, they keep me laughing which helps my sanity.

Last night at work I heard a rumor that they are furloughing the mail department which in essence we will be furloughed soon, probably in about 3 to 4 weeks. I have also heard that it will most likely be the end of June so that they do not have to pay holiday pay. DARN!!! I have been enjoying my new job (have a hard time with the last couple of hours though). I have enjoyed my coworkers and being able to get out of the house. I did not realize how hard it was to work from home, but now being back in the work outside the house force, I realized that I have so much less stress, not having to worry about getting my quota every day. Now I just have to worry about what recall number I will receive and when we will be called back. My manager warned me that it could be as long as January, but it will all depend on callback numbers and how many people they need. Oh boy, now the waiting......