Boy how time flies!!!

It has been a year since John passed away on March 21, 2010. It has been a year of ups and downs. We are renting a house and living on our own. I was able to buy new furniture to set up our new home. It was a nice feeling to furnish the house and not be in debt afterwards. Kids started in their new school and seem to be enjoying it. My job has been going well since I have an extra skill code in ISRP so I am still working while others in the SCRIPS department have been furloughed for a month, during a time that we are usually sooooo BUSY! I was given the calling of Relief Society instructor and have loved/hated this. Hate preparing, having the nervous feeling when I start and then up enjoying teaching. I also recently purchased a new car and have enjoyed it so much. But all of these new fun things I would trade in an instant if I could have my husband back but with one condition, he came back healthy! I just have to remember that he is in a much better place and out of pain and misery, also that I will be with him again one day (hopefully not for a LONG TIME). I have had a few people ask me if I am dating again and I am just not ready for that. It would be nice to go out once in a great while but I am not ready to start a relationship and I was sick of the whole dating scene when I met John and so not ready to go back. I still wear my wedding ring and just cannot come to take it off so I am spending my time enjoying the kids, the best gifts ever that John left for me to take away a lot of the ache his loss has left me. I am also frustrated with myself with my weight loss. I feel like I am sabotaging myself because I cannot seem to lose any weight but yet I find myself sitting on my butt most nights. So I cannot blame anyone but myself for that. The worst part is that I spent a lot of money for the surgery and then I am sinking back into my old lazy ways. But now with the sun and warmth coming back I hope to get out more and be more physically active, we will see. Hopefully this next year will fly by but I will enjoy it and continue to enjoy my precious kids!!!!

JANUARY SUCKS!!!

I seem to be having a hard time in January. It has now been 10 months since John's passing and I thought it would get easier but I was WRONG!!!! This month has been a very emotional one especially the last few weeks.

Evanslee has been having trouble sleeping, nightmares, going to sleep, thinking about daddy, etc...... she spent a week in my bed due to these issues. But as expected I call the doctor's office to make an appointment and she now sleeps through the night. The doctor says it is to be expected because of her age and all the new changes this past year.

I have had a hard time with the weight loss. I expected more gone by now. I feel like I am at a plateau but when I go to get an adjustment they seem happy about my progress. I decided to take my measurements (it has been a few months) and I am happy to say that I have lost 11-1/2 inches since surgery. My pants show it, but I had a hard time believing until I saw the numbers. I just need to keep losing a pound a week any by next year I should be down significantly.

I have had a sick little one this week with a fever but no other symptoms. I kept her home from school on Monday and Tuesday but I had to go back to work on Wednesday so I took her to her grandma's. This mornining she would up at 5 am with a croupy cough and so I called in sick. I decided to relax and read a book so that she could watch HER shows. I ended up reading a book that had me crying through the whole thing!!!! Did not help my mood. Now I am hoping that she will feel better tomorrow so that I can get back to work, we will see.

I have had a new calling in church, as a Relief Society teacher and I have a love/hate relationship with it. I enjoy reading the lesson and thinking about how it applies to my life, but trying to come up with a lesson plan makes me crazy. Also presenting the lesson to a room full of women makes me crazy, I am a shy person and being in front of a crowd, UGHHH!!!! But I end up enjoying it by the end of the lesson and with the help of other's imput I learn from them.

There is only a week left and I hope that I can enjoy the rest of this month, if not, I can look forward to February.

The one good thing about this month is that we have finally received notice that they have determined that John did qualify for disability. The only problem was that he had to die for them to make that decision. He does not get the opportunity to enjoy it and I feel like receiving the money is soooo bittersweet. We filed in March 2009, they denied it, filed with a lawyer and again a denial, appealed that decision before he passed away and now after sending the death certificate they determined that he was disabled from the time of his last job, which was February 2008. I think this has been what has been bothering me the most. I am now financially stable because my husband died. I would love to give it all back if I could have him back, but with one stipulation, that he be healthy, but I know it is not to be. But he is definitely watching over us and making sure that we are taken care of.

Changing my life!

I decided it was time to change my life for good. Now that I am a widow I need to be there for my kids for as long as possible and therefore I chose to make a change. I had the Lap-Band procedure done on Tuesday. I was planning on doing it in December but the doctor's office called and said that the insurance came through and that they had a cancellation, so if I was interested I could be scheduled for next Tuesday. So I accepted since I kind of knew that we were being furloughed at work soon. This meant that I had to start a clear liquid diet the next day to be on for WHOLE WEEK! This SUCKED!!!! It so happened that the first day they had a salad potluck at work while I enjoyed my protein shakes and water. I also had to stop drinking caffeine and carbonation, my FAVORITE addiction Coke Zero with cherry. UGHHHH!!!! I did cheat the first night and had one since I was very sleepy at work but boy did I pay for it. The carbonation went straight to my intestines and bloated me severely. I stopped cold turkey and have had no desire to drink it since. The best thing about the clear liquid diet is that I lost 15 lbs before surgery.

Tuesday I had the surgery. I spent the night at my mom's, did not go to bed until 3 am and tossed and turned until 6 am when my mom came to get me up. So needless to say I was tired and ready for them to knock me out. I remember being taken down to surgery on the gurney and then having to slide over to the surgery table. Which is SOOOO small. It was just barely wide enough for my butt (okay it is huge but still)! Then I remember them adjusting the bottom of the table against my feet and putting my arms on these bars that you feel like being on a cross. I said the last time my arms were on theses for my c-sections they strapped me in and they said oh we will don't worry. Then I remember the anesthesiologist saying you should feel the medicine working any time now and I then felt a burning sensation. She then said take a couple of deep breaths as this air mask was coming toward my face and that is the last I remember. The next thing I know I am in recovery back on the gurney and hooked up to monitors. I was soooo groggy and just wanted to sleep but they wanted to get me up and going.

It has been 4 days now and I am still sore but only minimally now. I am on full liquids now which means clear liquids plus blended soups and sugar free pudding. I thought it would be hard but that is all I want to eat at this point. I have no idea if I have lost any weight after surgery because I have been backed up and having to deal with it now. Hopefully at my 1-week followup I will have good news about more weight loss. They say not to expect any and to just focus on adjusting to the diet and the amount of food you can eat, not the weight. They will not even adjust the band for a month.

The craziest thing that I realized (okay not crazy but probably meant to be) is that the day of surgery was the 6-month anniversary of John's death. I know that he is proud of me for making this decision and rooting me on from the other side. He is probably shocked that I have actually stopped drinking the Coke since that has been my worst habit.

Now on top of all of this I have accepted the calling of Relief Society Instructor and I am scared to death. It is only once a month, which is nice, but oh how scary!!! I know I will look back on this in years to come and laugh at myself but right now it scares me, but I know that the Lord wants me at this time and I will try my best.

Now back to relaxing and recovering.....

It has been awhile!

It has been 4 months since my life changed. A lot of things have beeen going on. I learned how much people do love our family and the support has been amazing. I am truly grateful for it. I have learned that life goes on and you cannot just stop because you lose a loved one.

I am anxiously wanting to get a place of my own but that is not going to have for at least another 6 months and it is driving me crazy. I would rent but the thought of moving twice just makes me ill. We moved 4 times while I was pregnant with Miko and I decided that the next time would be my last; here it is 5 years later and I still feel like the next move will be my last.

I have guilty feelings now with John's death. I now have money because he died and I feel guilty for it. It is hard for me to deal with this and the only thing that makes me feel not guilty is knowing that I will use the money to buy a house......eventually. I have money because I am not buying the necessary prescriptions to help him. It is so weird to go to Wal-Mart and not stop at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. The other day I went to Wal-Mart to get my prescription and told the girl that I had a new insurance. I gave her the card (it only has my name on it) and she asked if I wanted her to put it on John's account too. GREAT, they know me by sight as John's wife, I am there so often. I informed her that he passed away and she apologized and said that she did not know.

In many ways I feel that a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders. I do not have to worry every time the cell phone rings while I am at work. I do not have to wonder any more when will these doctors do something for him. The biggest stress is that I do not have to wonder about how to pay for everything that we need with the little money in the account.

The most wonderful thing is to watch the kids. Yes they have moments but it is like they see a picture and say I miss daddy. They do not cry, mope, or act out because of his death. I know that he spent a lot of time talking to them and telling them that this would eventually happen and that he would be watching out for them. It is so sweet to be outside at night and Miko will look up in the sky and say "there's daddy's star!" It is always the first one she sees. I have noticed that they have put on some weight and I am not sure if it is the stress of his death or my working at night and therefore no one telling them how much they can have or not have.

Overall I am doing great. I have moments such as holidays where a hole is definitely there, or when I am watching a TV show that we watched together and not be able to talk to him about it. I still even expect him to come out of the bedroom to use the bathroom or get something to eat. I definitely have had moments when cars would not work, trailer has broken pipes, and other such things that were his responsibility and I have no clue what to do. Thankfully I have family and friends that do know and have been there to help me out.

I have had a few moments of wanting to kill him..... like going through stuff and finding things that I REALLY should NOT have found (luckily they were in boxes in the garage therefore not being used for at least 5 years).

I have even had some WOW moments, like findings his missionary journal, finding an email he wrote to a friend that he lovingly talked about me and how much I was his perfect match. You know after being married for 10 years it is still nice to see proof that he loved me and that he was willing to tell a friend made it even more special for me. This may sound weird but I was shocked to find a gun bag we had purchased the day before his death, already filled up ready to go shooting. I had thought that he has missed out on using it and to find it filled made me feel better that he actually did get to "use it."

The worst part I have to say is to plan the funeral. It was the moment that felt so final. I was no longer in a dream but living in reality. Having to pick out the casket, vault, headstone (which I did later), place of burial (which my mom generously donated to us) and the program. It turned out to be a wonderful funeral and I am so greatful for his friends being willing to share stories about John during the funeral, we were laughing and crying, but mostly laughing. All I can say is to those that are married be the first to go so that you do not have to go through all of this.

Another thing that has been hard is going through his things. To me going through his clothes has been easy, 1 for me, 1 for DI (nice that we were about the same size). But going through his computer stuff and trying to decide what to do sell or just donate, and what is still good and not, and where all of his stuff is, this room, that room, this closet, that area in the garage, oh and that spot too! I have been putting off a lot of it but know that I need to before I move because I am NOT hauling all of it to my house just to store there.

Life just goes on. I have been working for the IRS but have been furloughed for the last few weeks and probably for another month (hopefully not that long). I have been home with the kids and have enjoyed it but my procrastination has gotten the best of me. I kept saying once I am furloughed I will get things cleaned up and organized......hahahahaha, still a mess but I did clean up the kitchen for a family party the other day. Now I just need to get off my butt and away from the computer so that I can get some more work done.

Thank you to all for your love and support, it is greatly appreciated!

Blessings to Remember

On Sunday, March 21, 2010, I lost my dear sweet husband to chronic pancreatitis complications. I have to say that I am sad but not as much as one would expect. I believe the Lord has provided me with the strength to go on. He also provided me with time to get used to the idea of John's death.

On Sunday morning I was busily getting the kids and I ready for church when John woke up and was very sick (not unusual in our house) and throwing up. I had to help him back to the bed and helped him get his meds for the morning, even had to check his blood sugar and administer his insulin. He had to take an anti-nausea med that usually knocks him out for about 4 to 5 hours so I said that I would just go to church. He had me keep the oldest home just in case he needed some help. So off I go to church, enjoy my meetings, and return home to find him snoring away in bed.

I asked Evanslee how he did and she said that he slept the whole time. I then got the kids' lunch ready and had lunch myself. I heard John get up and go to the bathroom between 1 and 1:30, and then went back to bed. Again this is pretty much normal in our house. Then around 5 p.m. I was getting dinner ready to go on the table and asked Caddis to go ask Dad if he was eating dinner with us. He came back and said that Dad did not answer him. Again, nothing out of the ordinary since Caddis just lightly taps you when he wants you to wake up and if John is medicated it takes a little more to wake him. So I asked Evanslee to go ask him. She came back and said that he would not wake up. So begrudgingly I went in to wake him up. I shook him and called his name and he did not respond. I then all of a sudden had a sickening feeling that things were not right. I then noticed that he was cold to the touch and his face was white. I immediately told Evanslee to get me the phone. She grabbed the cell and I told her to go get the house phone. I then yelled for Alice to come. I called 911 and told them that he was not breathing. She asked me if I would be able to perform CPR. I said sure and she said that I had to get him off the bed. I wanted to laugh, instead I said that he weighs over 300 lbs there is no way I can get him off the bed to do that. She then wanted me to try to do it on the bed but he was laying from corner to corner and I could not move him into a good position. I then realized that his face was white and purple, he was definitely gone.....just then the police officer came in and radioed that he was "ECHO." I assumed that it meant he was dead. The EMS showed up and they also confirmed it. They then had me leave the room and wanted me to give a statement. I told the officer what had happened. This was when everything started to really sink in for me. Somehow, somewhere Alice had the sense to call the bishop, our neighbor (her old bishop), and I believe the bishop called our home teachers who all showed up at about the same time. I was upstairs explaining to the kids that their dad was gone. Miko did not seem to understand, but Evanslee and Caddis were crying. Our home teacher gave a special prayer, we all knelt down and as soon as we all said Amen, Miko broke down and sobbed her little heart out. It just about killed me to hold her and listen to her sobbing.

The next thing I know we have family showing up and even some of the ward members coming over. I have never felt so much love as I have this week from family and friends and I appreciate it so much and realize what a blessing it is, too bad it has to be something so tragic for me to realize this.

I had a hard time the next day trying to make the funeral arrangements, everything became so final. But what a blessing it was that his parents had obtained a life insurance policy on him when he was young and now I do not have to worry about how I am going to pay for his funeral, all is taken care of.

The next worst decision was planning his funeral program. I wanted to have his "brothers" friends speak but there are at least 8 and I did not know how to fit them all in. In the end I had the Morrill brothers and the Evans brothers (including BIL Tucker) talk. I had them each take a few minutes and give a memory of John. I skipped on a musical number and it ended up being just right. Also just a few days before the funeral I came across a note he had on facebook thanks to his niece, that sums up the last 10 years of his life, and it was the perfect eulogy in his own words. I had the Evans brothers' father read this instead of a eulogy and it was perfect.

As we were walking into the funeral following the casket, my oldest Evanslee took the lead behind the casket and I had a hard time seeing her be so brave. Then after the funeral when we followed the casket out Caddis took the lead with his hands in his pockets and I just wanted to die, there was my little man, now the big man in the house, following his dad's casket. After they put the casket in the hearse he broke down and cried and his cousin Brandon picked him up and held him while he cried. I believe losing John is hard but watching my kids go through this hell is the worst. But now they are amazing, they get sad some moments but overall are doing good. He really prepared them for this time.

I am blessed that we were able to go to Ireland and he was able to return and enjoy it so much. He was constantly telling people there that he never thought that he would get back to Ireland when he was the poorest in his life, but oh how grateful I am that we did. I will cherish those memories forever.

I also have been blessed to spend the last 11 years of my life with John. He has been such a great example to me. It has been rough but I do not think that I would trade it for anything else. I have grown so much in so many ways. I have learned to open my heart, live life to the fullest because you never know when the last day will be, and always try to direct your life in the way that you should be going even if you stray off course you can always find your way back. I have also learned that I can do it, even if the road seems difficult, if I keep the Lord on my side I will get there.

I am so blessed to have been loved by him and he has left me with the 3 best blessings ever, Our Children. Now I have to live my life so that he will be proud and I can return to be with him forever.

For those that read this remember to say I love you often, you just never know when the last chance will be. I love you all!

Call me CRAZY AND INSANE!!

So for the past month I have been working double duty, okay triple duty. I have kept my full-time medical transcription job that I do out of the house, I would spend 6-1/2 to 7 hours during the day. Then I would hurry and jump in the shower and get ready to go to the IRS and put in 8 hours there. Then come home talk to the hubby and then crawl in bed for a few hours of sleep before the kids wake me up to start a new day. Then since I was not doing full 8-hour days during the week for the transcribing I would spent the entire day on Saturday working. It wore me out completely!!

I am happy to say that I have cut back my transcription job to 25 hours a week and hoping to find a permanent job at the IRS so that I can quit the transcription job. I enjoy working at the IRS and as of 2 weeks ago I transferred to the SCRIPPS area in our department and I have enjoyed it. It was a little stressful at first because you have to be so careful about your time during breaks or you could be locked out of the system. At first it was hard for me to watch the clock constantly but now I feel it is a relief to be so scheduled. The only thing I do not like is that it is a night job and therefore I miss my little family especially on Friday nights, but at least I can say that I have a job and I can provide for my family. I am so greatful for this opportunity that the Lord has given to me during our trials of John's health.

Now just waiting for the insurance to kick in so that we can get the ball rolling on John's hopeful surgery and recovery.

Now to enjoy my 1 true day off and my morning off tomorrow!

Good night all!

I got my recall number!!!

On Friday I checked the mail and there was a letter from the IRS asking if I wanted to change areas in my department. I talked to John about it and had decided that I probably would not but decided to call my friend and ask her because her friend worked that area. Turns out they did not get furloughed after training and they did not get furloughed until the end of September; also they have already been called back to work. So of course I immediately filled out the paper and went to the post office to mail it off.

Then on Saturday there was a letter with my release/recall number!!!! I have moved up the board from 235 to 214, YIPEE!!! Now just waiting for the call......call me! call me! call me!!!!!!!